Writer of the Month August 2023
Deskpilot has romped home this month, taking points in all categories including an impressive 19 headlines. SteveB made a gallant attempt and Wren and eppusimuove vied for third place. As usual all the links and the tickers are below the leaderboard, along with the cartoon of the month.
AlexCrisp
Woke to Bloke - Parents divorce their 'woke' children and adopt Dave
apepper
Government stockpiling sewage against future shortages
Nasa loses contact with Jacob Rees-Mogg
Protests as God introduces 5G only prayer service
Sunak photographed on Thatcher's toilet
Tory manifesto balance between destroying business, NHS and planet
Woke cancel culture means "Dying god coming into Human flesh" missed from CBeebies singalong
Yevgeny Prigozhin died after plane crashes and he lands on some bullets
Billiclay
Sunak describes celebration he had planned if Lionesses had won
Unnecessary Sports Utility Vehicle Zone (USUVZ) to be extended to the whole of the UK
cara
Woman on verge of mental breakdown after laddering tights again
Chipchase
Billericay boy, Barry, boasts Brexit brought bountiful, bright, better Britain
Make your minds up will you - demand Britain's Red Kites
Pound coin you dropped down the gap between the driver's seat and bulkhead is mocking you
Chris Ballard
Man watching all women’s World Cup still claiming it’s crap
chrisf
Use of the phrase ‘picky bits for tea’ to become criminal offence
Deskpilot3
Wrenfoe
All criminals to appear in court - except Tony Blair
All UK parks to have their own Elaine Page
Clean air is Woke agree Sunak & Starmer
Football team refuses to play without their own reality TV series
Japan finally breeds a Godzilla
Not everyone you hate is a nonce
Tone Police to get extra funding
Twitter removes block feature but keeps tw*t feature
When will this holiday end, screams parent into the void
Zoom staff can't remember where they left their office
Cartoon of the month is Lee Anderson dines out at a Moroccan restaurant by Lockjaw
Headlines AKA tickers list:
Adrian Bamforth
Inventor of the cut, copy, and paste commands, dies at 74
Probe taking moon's temperature from its south pole results
in first spaceclench
Russia invades moon
apepper
Nadine Dorries to head up waste of space program
bigbadbob
Pepsi workers sacked after testing positive for coke
Priti Patel shows concern, now it’s not her job
Record number of Scouts earn first aid badge
Tinned meat company fined for sending spam emails
Water voles anger at loss of rural banks
billiclay
Russia sends Freedom of Information Request to MI6
DailyMoose
Spain favourite to win Eurovision Snog Contest
Deskpilot3
Alexei Navalny 'unlikely' for Strictly
Booze cruise captain running a tight ship
Bradley Cooper as Bernstein: the noes have it
Britons demand rain-check system for wet bank holidays
Britons mourn loss of shop they never went to
Can you drink a yard of vodka? It's a long shot
Coutts announces new Rainy Day Racist saver account
Did Crooked House owners' holiday in Hawaii??
Exam system 'inherently biased' against thick kids
Extra bank holiday granted as Nadine Dorries finally quits
Government threatens to nationalise NHS if performance
doesn't improve
Govt fails to win Netball, Wimbledon & the Ashes
Indecisive shoe designer keeps doing flip-flops
Man convinces his boss that he doesn't need to attend
negotiating skills course
Nadine's book delayed - she's still colouring in the
pictures
Popular dominatrix beating off clients with a stick
Rees-Mogg patronises Wilkinsons
Successful dominatrix is beating off clients with a stick
Upholsterer fails final exam and will need to re-sit
dominic_mcg
Another bitterly disappointing Reading Festival, says
librarian
Extra bank holiday if England wins three more chukkas, says
Rishi
Gabon's President Ali Bongo under house arrest. Paul Daniels
takes over
Sparkling wine thief to be proseccuted
Gunga Din
Author of "Bananas are not the only fruit" denies
accusation of plagiarism
Foreigners to shout back at English people
Trump to be indicted on federal jaywalking charges
Hokeyloki
Asylum seekers not to bring their e-bikes or e-scooters onto
Bibby Stockholm
Bacteria leave UK rivers, blaming "toxic culture"
Priest sacked over his "lack of humility" blames
his altar ego
Jack the Quipper
German engineers create washing machine that doesn't eat
socks
Nike releases new t-shirt with slogan 'Just Do It' under
Trump's mugshot
jim Skinz
Burger King staff told to ask customers "Would you like
lies with that?"
Erectile dysfunction helpline criticised for 'Your call is
impotent to us' message
Lionesses leave fans at Heathrow in acres of space
Sleepcation hotels to be listed on KipAdvisor
Struggling spaceport becomes ultra-low missions zone
jimmydodger
Harry Kane kicks up a storm in Florida
Lockjaw
Lock. Him. Up!
Roger. Wilko and out
mcdabble
Amol Rajan denies sending his mini-me to be University
Challenge host
Banks forcing 'Cashless Society' on UK, while Govt forcing
'Moneyless Society'
Bibby Stockholm: People could get sick if there is an outbreak of disease, warns report
Climate targets in hot water
Disciples hail second going of Nadine Dorres
Home Office hires people smugglers' boats as temporary
accommodation
Manchester's delayed Clean Air Zone to be replaced by Wet
Air Zone
Nadine Dorries changes her first name to 'Lady'
NHS improve efficiency by recording who isn't on a waiting
list
NHS waiting lists to be expressed in the medium of dance
Trump offers to buy Atlanta courthouse for $112M
Mick Turate
Zombie government to ban zombie knives
Midfield Diamond
Recently discovered fossil sets new record for the size of
whales
Modelmaker
Eskimo's computer froze because he had too many windows open
Four star hotel review says "It's ****"
Sunak commiserates with Lionesses, saying he struggles to
achieve goals too
ron cawleyoni
Circus arrives in Atlanta
Kiss Me Quick hat sales plummet in Spain
Mr.McKay serves Trump porridge at Fulton County Jail
Overweight man now wishes to identify as Flora, due to
middle age spread
She sells Shell shares on the offshore?
Rowly
Moon Crashes into Rusky Lunar 25 craft during special lunar
operation
sinnick
Andy Malkinson reveals why prisons are overcrowded
Sir Lupus
Millions volunteer to help get rid of surplus French wine
Sketchly
Anti-protest group Rebellion Rebellion founded
SteveB
'Construction regulations aren't being watered down, they're
being sewaged up', insists Gov.
Customer complaints rerouted to call centre on moon
Nadine Dorries still hasn't handed in her badge and her gun
UK government well on track to hit target of net zero
competence
Thatwasbeast
Employee fired after falling asleep in kiln
Titus
Gay Pride movement goes off the rails
Lock … him … up
Musk may be interested in buying now-leaderless Wagner group
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