Writer of the Month January 2024
Deskpilot is on form this month, taking 30 points followed by yours truly on 29 and eppursimouve on 28, so pretty close all round. As usual there are links to all the Fronty Pages, News in Brief and Features below. The cartoon of the month follows the leaderboard and the full list of headlines below that.
apepper
"Stop the boats" policy expanded to include flag ship policies
Beau-Jolly
Vet successfully operates on three-headed dog
billclay
Illegal Immigration Minister arrested after complaints from Legal Migration Minister
Vape company mascot “Mr Cuddles” denies claims of targeting children
Chipchase
Govt ministers doing TV round will ditch facts in favour of barefaced lies
Great British Menu slammed 'pretentious, dangerous and out of control'
Chrisf
Man insists on calling moderately unusual events ‘absolute scenes'
Deskpilot3
Labour hopes to secure landslide general election victory with celebrity MPs
Public demands more honours returned
Unthinkable! Policy think tank to close
Dominic_mcg
'Man almost cares about Royals' surgery
eppursimuove
Brit in shock after colleague gives genuine answer to routine question
Courier company achieves ultimate goal of not existing at all
Dumbass Channel announces new season of “Idiots Desperate To Get On TV”
English reaction to Welsh independence reaches new levels of indifference
King to have Nicholas Witchell's head removed from rectum
No one left to replace Ed Davey as Lib Dem leader
Old person confirms: “Actually, we are trying to piss you off”
Philosophers baffled as non-existent Northern Irish government goes on strike
Subpostmasters advised to “pay extra to guarantee receiving compensation”
Tories to abandon “geographical constituencies”
FlashArry
Iran's Terrorist Support Network Exposed
Gerontius
Better still if people could come and collect mail from the depot’ say Royal Mail
Welcome relief for flood victims as Baroness Mone pledges use of a yacht
hokeyloki
Exclusive - new Ofsted multi-word ratings categories
ian searle
Conservative Ministers must now be kept under strict control
Wicked Witch of the West’s Flying Monkey: We're scapegoats for Ruby Slipper failures
Jeremynh
Cummings: 'PM asked me to work in secret. Fat chance'
Divine worship with the Reverend Paula Vennells
Help out in the Great British Turdwatch
Investigating war crimes makes us important, boasts Met
Luke Littler reveals secret to his darts success
Police to open dozens more probes prompted by TV show
Tributes pour in for legendary draper Derek Lobbyist
Lockjaw
Pepys' Diary: The King is greatly vexed
McDabble
Post Office scandal: Rishi Sunak considers how to get justice for victims of the Royal Courts
Midfield Diamond
FA ready to do FA about Spurs’ dodgy billionaire own
Saudi homophobia sorted, Henderson to address dope use next
Sunak’s PR team arrange for him to pick a fight in a pub
Modelmaker
Apple anxious to examine iPhone that fell from plane
Larry the cat resigns because he can't afford to pay his mortgage
Last puppy from Wolverhampton rescue charity signs Netflix contract
Tories have done more than any other party to encourage British culture
nickb
Journalists call for unforeseen death of major royal
Raggers
Your January Horoscope, by Toxic Meg.
SarahT
One mince pie left in all kitchen cupboards
simonjjames
Fundamentalist Atheists storm nowhere, demand nothing, massacre no-one
Government calls surprise February election with voting machines built by Fujitsu
Recently discovered giant Pliosaur not eligible for UK residency, rules Sunak
Toilets "catastrophically blocked" following Boris Johnson's Visit to Eton College
UK in shock as Epstein client list features Mr Blobby heavily
Sir Lupus
Mark Francois "ready to serve" says Army chief
SteveB
X-59 jet reduces supersonic smell of bullsh*t
stewartbarclay
Brave Tories 'helping public' by taking top honours and jobs for life
'Electric Arc Furnace' was Sunak's wrestling name in college
Office workers look forward to AI future
Planet Neptune ditching blue colour to avoid links to Tories
Stamp-ing out Post Office injustice
Sunak: 'Bombing Yemen or just exporting potholes?'
Sunak's 50 plus initiative is a reverse Logan's Run scenario
The European Court of Human Rights will steal then eat your babies
Throngsman
A very quiet Happy New Year to you
An open letter from the Conservative Party to Mr Jeremy Corbyn
Government blames Royal Family for election pledge failures
Keir Starmer urged to hand his Knighthood back
Labour to Nationalise the Tooth Fairy
Nicola Sturgeon failed to pass semaphore messages to enquiry
Only 20 Prime Ministers until polling day
Treasury confirms it is funded by CCHQ
UK doesn't need to check Boeing aircraft, gloats Government, citing Brexit
Would I Lie To You planning an election special
Walter Eagle
Imaginary numbers: the strange mathematics of UK infrastructure projects
Wrenfoe
Doomsday Clock reset for British Summer Time
James Cleverly swapped for a rail replacement bus
King's portrait is cheaper than a new dartboard
Man certain Trump lost in 2016, doubly certain about 2024
Men visited sex island for *checks notes* "suntan"
Post Office victims demand speedy inquiry - unlike Greenfell
US vetoes UN’s New Year’s resolutions
Cartoon of the month is from Modelmaker Why literacy is important
Headlines
Adrian Bamforth
America goes to Yemen to rescue Matthew Perry
Arborio Mulling
Silver Spoon responsible for King's enlarged prostate
Beau-Jolly
Dog with two dicks, "quite happy" says vet
bigbadbob
Aslef signal further strikes down the line
Gen Z claim Jodie Foster “is like, really annoying”
Scouts knot tying competition finishes without a hitch
Tories to employ Luke Littler to show them how to actually
hit targets
World’s largest cruise ship departs Miami, reaches Cuba 7
minutes later
Deskpilot3
All BBC programmes to include a tightrope-walker, for
balance
All Boeing planes to carry a spare window
Avon cosmetics denies trying to make Putin look good
Cake decorator tops himself
Confused Tory applauds rail strikes and denounces air
strikes
Cummings: BBC wanted me to work on Doctor Who, and
EastEnders, and Question of Sport
Desperate not to be outdone, Harry considers a hospital op
Dodgy batch of underlay swept under the carpet
Donald Trump outraged at lack of Oscar nomination for best
hair and make up
Downed Russian plane is 'not a Boeing'
Drunk Olympics to include hurling for the first time
Epstein latest: Andrew picketed by Just Stop Royal
Glue robbery: police can't make charges stick
Government to overturn Downing Street party convictions
Impoverished geologist is stony broke
Inexperienced diver is in over his head
Man who found plane parts in his garden thought it was a
delivery for next door
Man who wanted tablet for Xmas unhappy to get an aspirin
Nervous carpenter bites his nails
Post Office 'very confident' about Fujitsu tax software
Postmasters endorse new video game - Grand Theft GPO
Speeding guitarist involved in fender bender
Timid ketchup maker accused of bottling it
Dick Everyman
Man craves salt and vinegar after brain chip implant
docholiday
Man says the 2 birds in the bush were better than the one in
his hand
dominic_mcg
LGBTQ charity wishes Kate well on her gender reassignment
South African magistrates to rethink the ankle tag
Eppursimuove
Wales’ biggest employer says Tata
ian searle
Lego hospital suffering from 'bed blocking'
Met Office fined in Wales after wind speeds tops 70 mph
Jack the Quipper
AfD holds 'remigration' conference at Beechwood summer camp
in Poland
Message from Peregrine 1 vessel: "We canna change the
laws of physics!"
Sunak: 'Stop The Votes' campaign is going really well
jim Skinz
Dodgy shower salesman gets rinsed at tribunal
Guitar school found to be institutionally bassist
Man who ate seabird takes a tern for the worse
Ruff maker says she's up to her neck in it
Suella Braverman misses out on best deporting actress
nomination
jobo
Cobbler can’t pay his tacks bill
Kate’s offal attracts record bids on ebay
Nautical armaments theft, police drop charges
Lockjaw
Epstein fingered Andrew
MADJEZ
Darts fans shocked at teenage boy has well honed wrist
action
mcdabble
Allied Union of Window Openers threatens Fresh Air Strikes
Cow-tipping down more than 75% under this government, says
Conservative minister
Fijitsu computer says, "no"
Florida adopts execution by Helium to "lighten the
atmosphere"
Islington man's New Year Resolution is to be more passive
aggressive
Man shot by police died deliberately, says police spokesman
Port Talbot steels itself for cuts
Post Office scandal: Met Police investigate now that it's
been on telly
UK flooded with Met Office flood warnings
Mick Turate
Met Office says Isha bit windy out there.
Paula Vennells: My CBE is lost in the post
Modelmaker
Covid inquiry learns Nicola Sturgeon "a pretty good
judge of character"
Green party demands that returned honours are recycled
Hasbro say five year wait for Operation is down to 14 years
of Tory government
Labour sets trap for mouse that has cleaned up Tory mess for
last 14 years
Man who resolved to become vegan has already lost ten
friends
Met Office says it's been both the coldest and hottest day
of the year so far
Not Titus
Chunnel flood claimed as Brexit benefit
Egyptian swimmer refuses to accept he's in denial
Kop Clap Klopp
We need the best democracy money can buy, says Sunak
oshaughnessy
Northern rhinos saved from extinction by feeding them pies,
chips and gravy
Pub football team hit with massive pints deduction
Paul L
Campaigners ask for more support for women with breast
implants
rogerg
Eco movement to ban kettles gathers steam
Scribbles
Blunt pencil collection just pointless
Man scared of fluffy jumpers is diagnosed with angora-phobia
Man thinks he may have a speech impediment, but it’s
difficult to say
Man who fell into an infinity pool says it took him forever
to get out
Man who jumped off a bridge in Paris is declared in Seine
Man with frozen penis devastated when his girlfriend broke
it off
Princess Kate has a gastric band fitted after gaining 1
ounce over Christmas
Protesters target Mona Lisa. Damage is only souperficial.
Studies show exit signs are on the way out
The owner of a bakery destroyed by fire says his business is
toast
Thieving butcher gets the chop
Tory MPs are revolting
Woman likes when boyfriend blows in her ear, but he’s not a
fan
Sketchly
Moon isn't shrinking - it's just getting further away
UK 20-somethings take small boats back to Calais to avoid
conscription
Vwl thf stll t lrg
stewartbarclay
Gammons 'visibly aroused' by British fighter jets taking off
Lee Anderson's family horrified at prospect of spending more
time with him
Porno versions of Steamboat Willie basically writing
themselves
Throngsman
Oscar leaves prison with a spring in his step
Titus
Government considers immediate exoneration of all Tory MPs
from everything
PM ignored warning that fasting stunts your growth
Will
Israeli Militants hiding amongst West Bank population
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