Writer of the Month Dec 2023

Last WOTM for 2023 and SimonJJames takes the title - well done SimonJJ.  Deskpilot has had another storming year and Modelmaker has been busy this month, plus all the cartoons he posts.  As usual all the links, the Cartoon of the Month and all the headlines are posted below the leaderboard.

apepper

Tarot cards recalled as vague prediction sort of doesn't happen

Arborio Mulling

Just Stop Oil blocks gassy man’s route to Wetherspoons toilet

Beau-Jolly

MPs voted out to be released into the wild

billclay

Sunak gets support from Tory MPs by promising an all expenses paid trip to Africa

Chipchase

Wax Cylinder to become the listening format of choice in 2024 says BPI

Yoiks tally-ho! Now we've nowhere to go

Chrisf

Isle of Wight football Superleague 'back on the table' after EU Court ruling

Man insisting on referring to basic cookery tips as ‘food hacking’

Danny Soz

Rees-Mogg Set To Continue Annual Struggle to Loosen Lid on Xmas Piccalilli

Deskpilot3

All Strictly judges quit, for medical reasons

eppursimuove

Channel 4 changes slogan to “Yeah, that’ll do”

Climate emergency upgraded from “meh” to “whatever”

Devastating asteroid "will impact Black gay transwomen most", claims Guardian

Mancunian caught up in tornado awakes in colourful new world

Mirror Group appeals phone hacking verdict before it's given

Gerontius

Wallace and Gromit named in new Strictly line-up

harrypalmer

The Pogues and Henry Kissinger battle for Christmas number 1 spot

Hokeyloki

Exclusive: Cindersuella - The Pantomime

Ian Searle

Long running comedy show ‘The Tory Government’ to end after 24 years

Physicists agree statement to 'water down' Newton's Laws of Motion

Warning Children may lose millions of mince pies and carrots over Xmas in scams

jeremynh

Camilla's spirit animal gets made a Dame

Don't fall prey to Christmas influenzer epidemic," warn health chiefs

FIFA seeks sponsors for Christmas truce football game in Gaza

Jim Skinz

Asylum seekers to be sent to Rwanda on Santa's sleigh

Lockjaw

Date of Christmas to be moved to July says 'Common Sense Tsarina'

Essential listening: The NewsBiscuit Christmas Playlist

Twas the Night Before Christmas, by Daftlad

McDabble

Blackpool tower in wind-up as wind gets up

King's Christmas message probably not a parody, says BBC

Midfield Diamond

FA to introduce post-match detentions for silly haircuts

Man City fined peanuts by FA monkeys

Modelmaker

AI technology will be changing the way you shop

Education Secretary calls for geometry experts to define what a square meal looks like

Essex man regrets investing in fairy lights with 200 variants of flashing modes

Levelling Up North Fund spent building homes in San Francisco

Supermarkets to employ a million wine rebottlers

Newsbiscuit

Indigenous Tribe found in Amazon Warehouse

Tap found leaking. Proving you can run but you can’t hide. 

Newsbiscuit Editorial Team

Government eyeing up US as market for pints of wine

nickb

Baroness Mone denies massive pants-factory fire has links to PPE affair

Oil producing nations pledge to use ‘green’ methods for murders

Raggers

Your December Horoscope, by Toxic Meg

Robowurzel

Row breaks out over new ‘satirical’ book

satchmo76

Farage Tells Sunak To Send Santa To Rwanda

simonjjames

Area lonely man comforted by fact he is tracked by cookies at Christmas

Bare chested Boris Johnson requests trial by combat at Covid enquiry

Big Avocado announces plans to expand beyond brunch

Conservatives announce new rules to form a protective ring around immigrant health and care workers

Entire UK united in ecstatic celebration as interest rate stays at 5.25%

New online surveillance measures leading to rise of the "porn hipster"

Prime Minister to change name to "Rizz Sunak" to court young voters

Putin unveiled as winner of 2024 Russian election

Rishi Sunak's poll ratings surge on promise of legislation for all year round pigs in blankets

Starmer offers Tory voter olive branch in praising Thatcher, Hitler, Bond Villains

UK Government announces deal to send Illegal Immigrants to Iceberg A23a

Woman suddenly feels irresistible urge to mull

Sketchly

Isn't it good, Norwegian wood? Norway Hosé!

SteveB

Manchester City launch bid to relegate themselves

stewartbarclay

Elf and safety is ho-ho-hopeless as Rudolph makes workplace bullying claim

Grand Theft Auto VI 'far less violent' than the news

Israel expresses interest in Iceland's volcanoes

New Newsnight format is just 2 people yelling

Petrol Stations braced for Christmas Eve bonanza

Rwanda: ‘If Sunak is just giving it away….’

Sully

Rees-Mogg accused of being double agent for Protestants

Throngsman

East African split proves Rwanda isn't safe

Grandad's Santa performance at primary school nominated for a BAFTA

New Years resolution list up to three pages long

People challenge Sunak's mince pie conundrum

Russia carefully checking naughty or nice list results

Three wise guys turn up at one-star hotel

Tories accuse Labour of stealing their dressing up clothes

Tory charm offensive '50% successful' claims spokesman

Titus

Newly-discovered planet is 'safe'

u9537503

Venus Fly Traps for life not just for Christmas

Wrenfoe

£6.7bn bid to screen all VAR mistakes

99% of BBC licence goes to pay for Gary Lineker's crisps

Etsy redundancies to be handcrafted

European $uper League win court case to become utter c$nts

Jungle disease 'Farage' set to spread

One famous Palestinian not very happy about what’s being done on his birthday

Schools forbidden from using pronouns until kids learn verbs

Cartoon of the Month

This month's COTM goes to Lockjaw with Has spending 10 years in Edinburgh Zoo had any effect on the Pandas?

And finally, the headline list:

Adrian Bamforth            

Edinburgh Zoo pandas to be weened off deep fried bamboo shoots

Nation in shock on discovering Shane McGowan wasn't already dead

apepper             

Awkward silence as King Charles reminds Sunak his father was Greek

GPS Awards Ceremony to honour those they've lost through the year

Hay thief released on bail

Man-flu "worse that giving birth" claims man in pub

Release of Viagra face cream raises eyebrows

Vatican's camouflage division could be a blessing in disguise

bigbadbob         

Former boys' school planning to build bicycle sheds

Govt successfully sends another Home Secretary to Rwanda

Johnson faces 8 tough questions at enquiry: naming his children

Sex maniacs not welcome in Screw Fix

Deskpilot3         

All the Christmas presents you bought are now half price in the sales

Arrogant, obese pharmacist getting too big for his boots

Bankrupt water company could be dissolved

BBC seeks Tory MPs for game show Total Wipeout

Burglar's favourite bit about Christmas? Robin

Disorganised mountaineer finally gets on top of things

Eminem's favourite part of Christmas? Wrapping

Jenrick resigns as he has no confidence in himself

Man who dropped toothpaste is crestfallen

Matt Hancock fails to impress Covid Inquiry with his 20/20 hindsight

Mods find church service not the Vespas they were expecting

Must have gift - racing pigeons are flying off the shelves

Pantomimes cultural? Oh no they're not!

Petrolhead disappointed by deaf aunt's Christmas present - a lamb bikini

Shoppers rush to spend Christmas gift cards before retailers go bust

SNP plans to tax its way to election victory

Steelworker finds his job riveting

What do judges drink at Christmas? Old Baileys

www.eyedrops.com - a site for sore eyes

dominic_mcg    

Commuters complain about WHS waiting times

Dignitas to start selling vouchers

Frank Carson impersonator get quality control job at Christmas cracker factory

Kidnap victim fears he may be sent back to Oldham

ian searle          

Advent Calendar company forced to close its doors

Chewable beer tablets are a bitter pill to swallow

James Cleverly's wife turns down his home made egg-nog

Warnings about shortages of Christmas vegetables get earlier every year

Jack the Quipper            

COP28 conference canteen: complaints of lack of buttered parsnips

Recently deceased voucher addict knows that her redeemer liveth

Jim Skinz            

Angler accused of punching fish says charges are a load of codswallop

Dead carpenter is resting in eternal lumber

Spelling error blamed as Maine bans Trump from ballet

Yoghurt maker accused of trying to start culture war

mcdabble          

British Museum thief: "they nicked it first'

Germany un-invents Christmas

Govt to make BBC an offer it can't refuse

Immigration bill to be smuggled into House of Lords

Louis Theroux razes eyebrows

Metoffice warns North of Scotland about normal windspeeds

Profiteroles renamed losseroles

Welsh education review of transgender policy to proceed at no more than 20mph

micca   

Alexa search for 'pint-sized wine' plays a clip of Sunak saying 'Stop the boats'

Mick Turate       

NHS rebrands as NH Smith’s

Modelmaker     

BMA demands cold weather PPE for striking doctors while government refuses talks

Samaritans praying they don't get any jumpers this Christmas

Schuh and Boots to sell Caribbean holidays following Sandals success

Tim Martin knighted for talking about Brexit to p*ssed up pensioners

Paul L   

Stoic face painter puts a brave face on

rogerg  

COP28 agrees to transition away from burning midnight oil

Rowly

Mark Drakeford is going back to Llareggub

simonjjames     

Memory foam mattress called as witness in burglary

SteveB 

Premier League to be relegated from Manchester City

stewartbarclay  

New Zealand reveals that 2024 'just as bad'

Sully     

Ebeneezer, eat less cheese, mate