Writer of the Month October 2023

Simonjjames has had a storming month, followed by sully and Modelmaker

apepper

Sunak will make a decision on HS2 "after it's finished"

Wave of fury as country will miss Jeremy Hunt losing his seat

benjani

'I've already got Christmas sorted', claims smarmy git

Benvoleo

Overcrowded prisons great news for shady Tories

Billclay

After recent losses, Tories consider not using awful people

Cara

Smiffys to Release Existential Halloween Costumes for Those Suffering Quarter-Life Crises

Chipchase

Anger as French waste contractors announce plans to introduce annual collection schedule

Builder, Colin, has hopes of quick Tesco transaction dashed

Mark King's thumb to sue for mistreatment and loss of earnings

Danny Soz

Israeli and Hamas Leaders Anxiously Await Advice From Halfwits on Facebook

Darkdorf

Welcome....to Thoracic Park

Deskpilot3

Armchair experts ‘just as good as opinion polls’

Dirty diesel drivers aim to sabotage London ULEZ

Tories hail epic media strategy success

eppursimuove

GP appointment system made “online only” to deter pensioners

Gerontius

Greggs to replace AA as UK’s 4th Emergency Service

UK obesity epidemic could lead to ink shortages by Christmas’ warn tattooists

Hokiloki

Tories to replace MPs with AI Robots

jeremynh

Tory Party preparing ground attack on BBC

Daily Torygraph - Macron is to blame for bedbugs in Paris

How Great Britain was built, the HS2 way

TransPennine trains to set off hours ahead of schedule so they won't be quite as shamefully late

What do you mean, you’ve had enough of the horrendous, sickening news?

Bank robber is football thug due to his Nan watching MotD

Modelmaker

De-Monopolise set to be best selling game this Christmas

Labour will allow every house to have a name, rather than a number

New coins will help children to count says Royal Mint

New high-resolution tattoo system promises lasting vivid colours

New Saturday night screaming contest promises to draw BBC audience away

Stonehenge Altar Stone was probably just a Viking picnic table say Welsh researchers

Tories to tell BBC to reinstate Playschool

Woman who married herself poses dilemma for church and parliament

nickb

Government to sh!t in everyone’s mouths.

Tory Conference renamed ‘Gnashville’ after epidemic of tooth-gnashing over party future.

Raggers

Child at the heart of the Billie Jean paternity scandal speaks out

Your October Horoscope, by Toxic Meg.

Simonjjames

As winter arrives, Britain's trains enter hibernation

Boris Johnson joins GB News to front Brexit lullaby hour

Cost of living crisis sparks dramatic rise in middle-class passive aggression

Kent man found to be Gammon "Patient Zero"

Labour unexpectedly releases risqué 2024 Starmer calendar

Man depressed to realise that upgrading his phone highlight of at least a year

Man’s nodding relationship with dental floss enters into 3rd year

Nation's Ghosts and Ghouls prepare for annual Halloween humiliation

New research reverses long understanding that swearing not "big and clever"

Panic as collective realisation that no one has been keeping an eye on Boris Johnson

Rugby World Cup: What to say if someone asks you about it

Starmer's key election pledge, "we're not the Tories", reiterated throughout conference

Sunak unveils £30B "Excuse-o-tron"

Sir Lupus

Tory election slogan leaked: "let's kill kids"

SteveB

Government asylum seeker death star is 'quite operational'

How to make millions AND put crazy-rich arseholes in prison

HS2 impresses Northerners more than ferret-proof trousers

'Tory cigarette ban proposal is f*cking menthol' say Tories

stewartbarclay

ABBA holograms cleared of suspicion in Tupac murder case

Bankers Bonus Cap now top selling Halloween Costume

Going to the shops 'a bit spicier' during a red weather warning

Man has Israel-Palestine solution that 'would definitely work'

Standing shoulder to shoulder requires 'elite level Twister skills'

What about this weather eh?' say Britons when Gaza comes on the news

Sully

BBC ‘inadvertently’ covered Covid Inquiry but took it down immediately

Man ‘disappointed’ that letters to local paper have negligible effect

Matt Hancock returns from Celebrity SAS a right hard bastard

Nadine Dorries inadvertently talks sense; rift in space-time continuum ‘inevitable’

OBR to focus on hypothetical Government spending

Party responsible for catastrophic failures ‘bafflingly’ loses by-elections

Penny Mordaunt and Nadine Dorries scrap after Conservative Conference meat raffle turns nasty

Rugby League teams to receive 2 extra players under Levelling Up plans

Tories will end the Sex Tax

Tory MPs sorted into ‘rape suspects’, ‘quitters’ and ‘candidates’

Westminster Job Centre wants to know date of General Election

You’d be a millionaire with a huge penis if you weren’t so suspicious all the time

Sydalg

Your Newsbiscuit guide to the Bible

ThatWasBeast

Man prompts outrage with terrifying '40-something-burnout' Halloween outfit

Will

Chunk of TV licence to be paid direct to Richard Osman

Wrenfoe

Cap removed on bankers' arseholery

Gaza devastated by Holly Willoughby’s exit

Hospital fired at missile

International crisis averted by judicious use of flag emoji

Nicholas Witchell to leave the Royal Anus

Octopus: I'm not racist but I f£%king hate cod

War criminals aside, Gillian Keegan is the most annoying person

Cartoon of the month goes to Raggers and AI sex doll brings single women the full marriage experience

Headlines

apepper             

Druids "dreading" moving Stonehenge when clocks go back

Painting of Xerox machine "may be copy"

Pope to bless same sex couples, "but only if they sneeze"

Rishi Sunk

bigbadbob         

C4 deny “Steph’s packed lunch” was stale

Doctors TV Show actors asked to fill NHS vacancies

Poor planner blames diary intolerance

US speaker leaves to avoid meeting Commander Biden

Deskpilot3         

15 minute city still has 8 hour wait in A&E

Apple introduces hot new phone

Brexiteers welcome the start of British Winter Time

Girlfriend unimpressed with spa weekend at convenience store

Grubby teenager misunderstands instruction to wash at 30

Impoverished masochist is strapped for cash

Israel implements levelling down policy

Labour promises to change the country. By building affordable houses on it

Lib Dem conference: activists still thrilled about their annual TV appearance

Man who shells peas loves podcasts

Netanyahu's popularity bombs and approval rating tanks

President Biden promises to bring peace to Middle Earth

Street artist expected arrest - the writing was on the wall

Suburban martial artist has a green belt

Voters get into mid-Beds with Labour

dominic_mcg    

Man suing luggage manufacturer doesn't have a very strong case

Russian spy found dead on railway line was a sleeper, says MI6

Hokeyloki          

Tories new smoking policy extreme attempt to prevent Farage rejoining

ian searle          

American Courtroom Artists running out of orange pastels

Jack the Quipper            

Banker says second sandwich was bonus

Lib Dems and UKIP combine for next election to form LUKIDIP

Smart washing machine pulls socks out of shirts

SNP announce fatwah on defecting MSP

Sunak confirms details of his new 'Stop The Votes' policy

Too many grammar error's not addressed in school's

Westminster drinking culture blamed for bad manifestos

jim Skinz            

Boris Johnson causes mayhem in office on Bring Your Child To Work Day

Captain Tom's family admit to flogging his medals on eBay

Disney announces Bedbugs and Broomsticks movie will be filmed in Paris

Government changes definition of wine to include Blue Nun

Jitterbug banned at Premier Inn Christmas party

Les MiserabOILes

jobo     

Butcher who backed onto meat slicer completes half arsed accident report

Israel surprised at Hamas no show on newly prepared "battlefield"

World feigns shock as wasps attack after 50yrs stick poking

Lockjaw

Bernie Ecclestone fined by HMRC for pulling a fast one

Parliamentary aides launch #MPToo movement

Pervert with chainsaw gets wood from cutting down trees

MADJEZ             

Sunak leads tributes to Britain's greatest cricket actor Bobby Charlton

mcdabble          

End of World warming up nicely, says spokesman for Horsemen of Apocalypse

HS3 to be built through cyberspace

Met Office issues red rain warning after storm blows roof off tomato soup factory

Sunak announces North of England to be sold to highest bidder

'This Gaza stuff is doin' me nut in' says Barry from Bedford

Mick Turate       

General Election called after last remaining Tory MP arrested

Modelmaker     

Academics divided over whether the Bible or Tory policy was more factually true

Carrie Johnson, longest seving British PM since 2019 to publish memoirs

Grand National fences to be replaced with speed bumps as Jockey Club goes woke

Palestine to be renamed the Holey Land after missiles alter landscape

Tories will prioritise education, then cut state school budgets

Trump campaign to make jail great again launches

Paul L   

SNP MP Lisa Cameron defects to Tories preferring fire to frying pan

Raggers

Tories travelling to Manchester: “If only there was a high-speed railway!”

Rowly   

For sale announced at Diddly Squat farm after diddly squat profits

simonjjames     

Tory HQ sighs as "Days without Scandal" counter reset to zero again

Sketchly             

Polish shoplifter in identity parade with 6 manequins

Politicians forced to dress up as Shane MacGowan after King Pogues Parliament

Tories experience "Bye" election

Trump makes last minute trip to UK after hearing of a yellow rain warning

SteveB 

Henry the ⅛ was fraction of man he made himself out to be

stewartbarclay  

Cities now bidding to avoid Tory party conferences

EXPOSED: Tabloids' ARBITRARY use of CAPITAL letters SCANDAL

Firework-up-the-arse guy planning Euro 2028 display

Liz Truss returns to haunt Tory Party conference

Sydalg  

Government pledges to ban all time travel experiments by 1956

Government rolls out "arse from your elbow recognition" technology

Titus     

After HS2 fiasco, North of England Independence Party set to sweep to power in next election

Will      

Sunak to Netanyahu "No one likes me either"