WOTM June 2023
Adrian Bamforth
Grange Hill's "Gripper" Stebson to become Education Secretary
apepper
Apple launch Actual Reality headsets for $3,500
Astrologers strike bites as people don't know what vague things to do
Enquiry launched as someone parking at airport doesn't leave with his eyes watering
'I said I was resigning from parliament and now I want to change my mind'
Secret documents secure as Trump's bathroom 'is last place anyone would go'
Summer solstice delayed until November because of staff shortages
benvoleo
YouTuber accused of intentionally crashing plane headhunted for senior Government role
BilliClay
“Everyone does it” statement failed to be backed by actual evidence
Normal Person not deliriously ecstatic that a bad politician is being held to account
cara
Dad Forced to Watch Daughter Play Another Musical Cockney Orphan
Father laments lack of French Traffickers' interest in kidnapping his daughter
Iron Maiden Toilet Seats to Spike Workplace Efficiency
Line of Father's Day cards developed for non-alcoholic, golf-playing dads
Move over, Hot Girl Summer: British Dad Summer takes centre stage
Mums Eat Guilt-Free at New Puritanical Restaurant
Racially Diverse Friend Group Files Restraining Order Against College Photographer
Woman convinced that just getting one more little treat will sort her life out
Chipchase
Oldies dying about new breed of TV ads
Deskpilot3
Apple to switch off autocarrot
Firms to use brain data surveillance to monitor workers
Just Stop Oil eschews superglue in favour of Blu-tack
Marketing department reject new cholesterol reducing drug
Pundits comment on the crisis at Thames Water
Supermarket scraps use by dates on milk
The Atlantic Declaration: key points to hit your snooze button
Dogular
Putin survives Special Military Election
Filthy Rich
We assumed you were happy paddling in shit, say water companies
FlashArry
Amber alert issued as Johnson rut approaches
Hokeyloki
Delivery companies to strike over "Boris Day" working conditions
New York rebrands itself in the wake of the Big Smoke
Witch Hunt and Kangaroo Court to merge
Jack the Quipper
Exclusive: First draft of 'that' resignation letter from Boris Johnson
The Bard’s early attempts at porn
Uxbridge By-Election Candidate List
Jeremynh
Farmers open Jerk Off The Commuter season
Government rips up M4 on outskirts of capital, but not to stop a coup or anything
"Prigozhin, you pussy!" news consumer yells to himself
Modelmaker
Fish finger pie voted most popular post-Brexit recipe
Government to adopt public school tactics over inflation
Magazine stuns reader by having just one suggestion on how to improve…
"Piltdown Man fiasco was nothing, compared to this" say archaeology deniers
Teachers to measure primary students' attention span in zeptoseconds
Tug of war over Dorries & Sharma
Myke
Kwik Fit step in to ease NHS backlogs
Raggers
Clout warning level raised to ‘idiotic’
Your June Horoscope, by Toxic Meg
Robowurzel
New dinosaur species found on Isle of Wight
Witch-Hunters and Kangaroo Courts finally able to announce a success
showerthoughts
Sunak fails to turn up to vote at AGM for Jilly Cooper Book Club
Sketchly
SteveB
Charles saves planet by turning down corgi sauna 1.5 °C
Glastonbury reveller overdosed on vitamin D
Government inquiry into cot deaths concludes no cots actually died
Rich people not to be trusted with money
Rishi 100% focused on nation's top priority of him churning out another Playschool level TikTok
Specsavers glasses case claims 4th victim
'We had affairs with women and we got promotions' say straight ITV presenters
stewartbarclay
Berlusconi dyes for the last time
Rees-Mogg 'embarrassed' to receive Knighthood
'Spilling the 't' - Tories confront the real mortgage crisis
Sport where uniform called 'whites' shocked to discover it has racism problem
Sunak: 'Now Boris is gone, I’m a big brave boy'
Sully
BBC calls for more celebrity affairs
Boris eyes lucrative Stannah Stairlift contract
Crimes by opposing MPs to cancel one another out
Drugged-up brass bands causing havoc across Britain
Fashion designers confess: it’s mostly just insulation
Local man knows precisely how much beer is in his fridge
Policies to be redacted from Party manifestos
Retired priest persuaded to take on ‘one last Mass’
Scenes at Conservative HQ as results from GE 2019 trickle in
Sydalg
Britain running out of space to bury bodies, warn serial killers
Dealers running out of names for new drugs, say police
English must get rid of all vowels by 2025, UN orders
Public warned to be on lookout for fly-tippers disguised as doggers
The NewsBiscuit Guide to Natural History
US presidential candidates allowed to give age in dog years to avoid sounding too old
Throngsman
Johnson's hairdresser gets a gong, as does Fabricant's wig
Roofers able to get brain damage is a Brexit bonus
Titus
Wrenfoe
2199 AD - Met admit Stephen Lawrence was murdered
8m Brits on antidepressants, the rest yet to meet Boris
AI will help you but only if you kill Sarah Connor
Apple Vision Pro will visualize a Brexit that worked
Fruity Vapes are part of your 5 a day
Furby sighting evidence of climate change
Oil prices rise after we run out of dinosaurs
Sturgeon agrees to go to prison if Boris found guilty
Tickets already sold to see the missing Titanic sub
Cartoon of the month
A Late Arrival at the NASA UFO/UAP Public Enquiry by Lockjaw
Ticker list
Adrian Bamforth
Journalists call off search for missing news
Morrissey asks Roger Waters to 'reign it in a bit'
apepper
Daily Mail advertises for "part time" fact checker
Eamonn Holmes accidentally swore on GBNews - "luckily
no-one was watching"
bigbadbob
Excited vintner proudly presents Semillon
Fertility symbol worshipping tribe erect Scrotumpole
Deskpilot3
Apple boosts sales of VR headsets by increasing price to
$5,000
Barista tires of the daily grind
Bedding store introduces blanket ban
Casting call for actor with broken arm
Garage door fitter seeks entry level position
Gove to abstain from 'is the Pope catholic' vote
Greenhouse gas reduction plan still up in the air
Highwayman Dick Turnip found to be dyslexic
Images of the Titanic may be deep fakes
King gives Camilla Scotland's highest honour - a camper van
One legged crime boss caught on the run
Philatelist returns to his old stamping ground
Protestors charged with Epsom assaults
Rishi says to let lying dogs sleep
The term for left over bits of french soft cheese? Debrie
Undermotivated mountaineer told to step up
Water companies stockpiling poo for the summer holidays
Windrush scandal 'all smoothed over' with new 50p coin
Dick Everyman
Sunak to borrow backbone from Isle of Wight dinosaur
dominic_mcg
David Attenborough concedes giant pandas not really that big
Johnson’s summer plans: lie on the beach, lie by the pool…
ian searle
A jury of people with Tourette's syndrome has been sworn in
Jack the Quipper
“Press caused Chelsy split,” says Harry “but I’m happy about
that now of course, Meghan my darling!”
3 children and a baby set bar high for next I'm A Celebrity
Ann Summers introduces Penny Mordaunt replica sword range
Quantum physicists to explain how a monopoly selling a human
essential could go bust
jeremynh
Rebekah Vardy and Coleen Rooney exiled to Belarus with rest
of WAG-ner group
jim Skinz
Ambitious pastry chef bites off more than he can choux
Covid inquiry asks Rupert Murdoch to hand over ministers’
WhatsApp messages
Streaming News criticised for Titanic sub 'air countdown
clock'
Swedish hoarder reveals he suffers from Stock Home Syndrome
MADJEZ
Derby protester dressed in orange was just selling RAC
membership
Stop Oil just too busy checking into Glasto VIP yurts to
protest Ascot
mcdabble
Boris in Shock 'Shock' Shock
Illegal migrants accused of 'barging in'
ITV controversy hits one million on the Schofield heat scale
Man who had sense of humour transplant still 'In stitches'
say doctors
Patch of land with squirrels is a grey area, say experts
Scientists close to creating vaccination against Covid
Enquiry
Sunak blocks Johnson's block on Appointments Committee's
block on large block of honours
Tories in shock admission: They're sick of the Tories too
UK Govt to streamline migrant process by sending barges to
France to pick them up
micca
Nodame Dorries
Mick Turate
Successor to Titanic and Titan to be named Tit
Modelmaker
Boost in Glastonbury ticket availability after line up
announced
Fairground workers demand fair wages
Headteachers branded "racist" after complaints of
English teachers shortage
High egg prices mean egg and spoon race to be withdrawn from
school sports day
Hopes rise that Rishi Sunak will make a flying visit to UK
next week
Racism, sexism, classism and elitism are
"widespread" in English politics
Sunak claims small boats plan is starting to work as
migrants take to medium size boats
robowurzel
No communication from Nadine Dorries since she went down on
the wreck of Boris Johnson
UK billionaire trapped in Downing Street with hope running
out
rogerg
Extension to Cornish lead mine expected to plumb new depths
ron cawleyoni
Jingle & Mingle Tory code for F**k The Rules
Podcast: Pea with a broken leg
Sketchly
It's time to march on Westminster, says new mystery
columnist for Daily Mail
Putin recruits Just Stop Oil Protestors to glue themselves
to M4
SteveB
Boris Johnson steps down as an MP with immediate ineffect
Fussy cat that would only eat premium salmon had no issue
chewing face off dead owner
Hungry nymphomaniac cleaner polished off large sausage
Uxbridge card shop sees 93% reduction in sales on run up to
Father's Day
stewartbarclay
'Boy fingers slut at lav' is anagram of Glastonbury Festival
Prigozhin may accidentally fall out of a window in the next
few weeks
Pro-Boris Tory MPs lose minibus deposit
Thames Water in the shit. Shit in Thames' water
Yevgeny Prigozhin to accidentally fall out of a window in
the next few weeks
Titus
Actually, Authentic Stupidity a greater threat than
Artificial Intelligence
Inquiry finds Covid virus guilty of failing to give prior
notice of its arrival
Man searching for his monthly consumers' magazine denies
Which hunt
Prigozhin denies leading armed rebellion: 'It's just a
"special military protest".'
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