WOTM Jan 2023
For the first WOTM of 2023 we find Myke has returned victorious, in an unassailable lead for much of the month. Wren, Modelmaker, Sully and Deskpilot3 all vied for second place, with Wren pipping gthe others at the post.
apepper
Brexit caused shortage of strikers
Conflict of interest denied as Donald Trump made head of prison service
Conservative party loses party whip
PM will put 'Having the same problems' into manifesto
benjani
Zahawi currently leading in the ‘Who Can Be the Most Tory’ challenge
Chipchase
Fears grow as Ben the flowerpot man reported missing
Chrisf
Dysfunctional jam factory unable to guarantee jam tomorrow
‘We’ll achieve our priorities, or we won’t’: Rishi Sunak’s favourite all-encompassing alternatives
dantrobus
Police accused of covering up second parts of proverbs
DavidH
Discovery of laughing gas stifled fracking
Deskpilot3
Rail passengers announce strike dates
eppursimuove
Novak Industries regret adding emotion chip to Djokovic
Serial rapist “definitely no threat to women”, say expert
Transspecies criminal sent to zoo
FlashArry
Manufacturer wins landmark copyright case
Gerontius
Rishi Sunak refuses to say whether he lives in a big house
Lockjaw
Do you suffer from cognitive dissonance? A guide.
Have you submitted an incorrect tax return in error? Contact Dodgy Dave's now
UK experiences "anomaly" in the economy
mcdabble
UK economy avoids recession due to glossy video
Westminster's red traffic light to Scotland’s driving licence age reduction bill may fuel SNP
Mick Turate
Nostradamus predicted Prince Harry book
Modelmaker
Dating apps may become linked to driverless cars
Gok Wan drafted in to help with Sunak’s image
Government awards ambulance tracker contract to FlightRadar24
Robot ventriloquist was marvellous say audience at Starmer speech
Sunak: I removed seatbelt to distance myself from Savile
Myke
Apollo 7 astronaut funeral was faked, say conspiracy theorists
Biden sends military aid to Gettysburg
Britain to be broken up and sold for parts
Distant cousin of Boris Johnson lent money and threw shit at zookeepers
Government could sue itself under ‘Minimum level of competence’ law
'Let the Bodies Pile High... in my boudoir, baby! Fwoarrrrr.'
I can’t seem to see your Christmas puddings.’ Customer beaten to death with pricing gun
Suicidal Koala had been watching Freeview TV, says therapist
Sunak uses needle and button to fight off mouse
‘Up the workers!’ Chaz Guevara storms royal palace
Newsbiscuit Editorial Team
A&E waiting times halved with double-decker trolleys
Government sets up independent enquiry into independent enquiries
Lib Dems unsure which foot to shoot themselves in
Politics a load of old goat's c*ck, confess Conservative politicians
Sharp blames BBC for dropping the Money Programme
Nice Admin Lady
Andrew Tate blames Careers Advisor
Oshaughnessy
Ambulance response times now longer than returning Elgin marbles to Greece
Raggers
Your January Horoscope, by Toxic Meg
Robowurzel
Police Chief vows to clear out the rotten apples. Again.
Sketchly
Harry Pothead and the Amazon wish list
Hubble Telescope calls James Webb Telescope 'an attention seeking bitch'
'Stoppit!' Satan demands of Putin
SteveB
Falkland Islands liberate Britain from evil tyranny
Staunch Tory demands more suffering be caused to others
Tory NHS masterplan is to privately outsource to VIP-lane chums again
stewartbarclay
Charles pursuing NZ’s Ardern in January PM transfer window
NASA to divert next asteroid towards Earth
Shapps to photoshop himself into next Labour government
Sully
All MPs to be serial killers by 2030
Bill Gates ‘up all night’ tracking vaccinated people
Colin Farrell’s eyebrows and Keira Knightley’s chin to open acting school
Conservative Party to be bought by National Trust
Met Police defend policy of nicknaming, not prosecuting officers
New Lotto Scratchcard top prize is GP appointment
Peerages to be sold as timeshares
Zahawi ‘feels foolish’ after failing to notice bags of gold strewn about his house
Sydalg
Government to phase out petrol and diesel cars by removing brakes
New Covid variant branching out into plumbing and accountancy
Throngsman
BBC admits to losing some news
Big Pharma rush to patent water
'If I'd realised it was just a £100 fine I'd have coughed,' says Blair
TUC day of action thwarted by bus and rail strikes
Titus
Harry calls on supporters to storm royal palaces
Mars delayed by astronauts' strike
Walter Eagle
GB News given official 'sanctuary' status by RSPB
Nadhim Zahawi, Prince Andrew set up philanthropic trust
Wrenfoe
All 18yr olds to study maths - to realise how much wages have dropped
Bieber sells his songs but your ears will continue to pay
Child traffickers welcome MP's support
Dry January means not washing for a month
Explosion hits NHS hospital - and no one notices
Money for nurses if they dress up like a tank
Nurses pay rise accidentally went to Nadhim Zahawi
Wind force now to be measured in bin movement
Woman suspicious of Greek Chorus following her
Cartoon of the month - Apparently, Daily Telegraph readers only know one sexual position., by Lockjaw
Tickers - AKA Headlines
Adrian Bamforth
Australian idiots
begin new year's celebrations a day early
BBC still unable to
find source of sex noises broadcast during tennis
apepper
12/1/23 declared
national microphone testing day
Fury as innumerate
missed off census "it's like we don't count"
John Lydon: Irish
Eurovision entry almost finished; just need a rhyme for 'bollocks'
Deskpilot3
All Met police
resources in use investigating its own staff
Army fails to make
a man out of Harry
Charity shops
braced to receive 1.4m copies of Spare
Everyone to live
within 15 minutes of water, thanks to flooding
Failed escapologist
couldn't think outside the box
Government tells
Sadiq Khan that he can't introduce a central London no lying zone
Harry: I moved to
California for the sour grapes
HS2 to be re-routed
through poor peoples' houses
Impoverished
internet influencers are living beyond their memes
NHS crisis: nurses
raid Asda for more trolleys
Several corgis now
ahead of Harry in line of succession
Singing groundsman
has perfect pitch
Skiers advised to
take their own snow
Tories prepare
daily sleaze stories to distract from the cost of living crisis
Trolley wait of 5
minutes unacceptable - in Waitrose
Zahawi sacked:
Dominic Raab orders in more underwear
Dick Everyman
Government to
invest in more hospital corridors
dominic_mcg
Boy who cried wolf
diagnosed with Tourette’s
Harry had
frost-bitten penis at Will's wedding. Other guests were given caviar
Sex change goose
now transgander
Striking rail
workers still not sure how they're getting home
enjaydubya
Zebra to sue Adidas
over stripes design
granger
Couldn't have
handled my PR without lots of tips from Uncle Andy, admits Prince of Wails.
Madonna to include
'When I'm 64' on latest tour
Never saw that
coming, says Frank Lampard
PMQs to be much
more serious after laughing gas ban
ian searle
Doctor performing
Heimlich maneuver on New Year's Eve mistaken for end of small conga
Jack the Quipper
Pretty weathergirl
in tight dress says something about weather warning in UK or something ...
Takeaways face
plastic ban in October – “All cheese in burgers will have to be real” says
official
jim Skinz
Confident tiler
says it’s all over bar the grouting
Lockjaw
Old punks gather at
Viv Westwood's house to flob, goz, and leave loogies as a mark of respect
macthemusical
Bridgen over
troubled waters
MADJEZ
Alec Baldwin said
to be spitting bullets over charges
Buzz Aldrin's
wedding night ruined as bride reveals Neil Armstrong got there first
mcdabble
Scottish councils
change public toilet signs to 'Nae Fuds' and 'Wi Fuds'
Scottish govt to
issue driver's licences to five-year-olds
UK Govt to Shrink
Economy to Fit Into Southeast
UK Govt. admits:
World's best value health service is too pricey for UK
Mick Turate
Evri rebrands as
Rareli
Midfield Diamond
Wembley renamed The
London Pelé-dium
Modelmaker
Boost in vibrator
shares, as year of the rabbit dawns
Bra companies go
tits up as as cost of living impacts sales
Modelmaker
Man charged with
assaulting Matt Hancock will get severe punishment for not hurting him
MetPolice vetting
procedure will now include neutering as a precaution
Sacked police
officer becomes comedy club hit as he tells non-PC jokes
Tesco offers sacked
managers role of stacking Paperchase greetings cards on shelves
Virgin doesn't go
all the way
Myke
British Museum
returns lost marbles to Nadine Dorries
Chaos in maternity
units as police crackdown on future protests
I was adjusting my
booster seat, says Sunak
Keep one's wife's
name out of one's f**king mouth!
Royals fan claims
to have killed 25 conversations
Russian Orthodontic
Church sends teeth to the front
Not Titus
NATO to pay
Carphone Warehouse to send free phones to Russian troops
oshaughnessy
Australian idiots
begin new year's celebrations a day early
Workers announce
strike action despite no work action so far this year
rogerg
Bin Juice self
identifies as gender fluid
Milliner using AI
admits he's in over his head
ron cawleyoni
A & E patients
reminded to bring a pound coin for trolley
SteveB
'The 27 Moons of
Uranus' not the reference book astronomer expected
Too many strikes
force closure of bowling alley
stewartbarclay
Scotland to
self-identify as independent country
Sydalg
Whiskas
"undecided" about sponsorship deal with Schrödinger
Throngsman
Trans-Pennine
Express to introduce unisex toilets on all trains
Titus
Pelé joins Pope
& QEII in 3-way longest-lying-in-state-queue contest
Putin's failed
'Special Military Operation' was careless & not deliberate
Underconstruction
Cut out the
middle-man: ambulances to be painted black & deliver patients direct to
morgues
Walter Eagle
HS2 journey times cut again boasts Govtbastards
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