WOTM Dec 2022
Deskpilot finished 2022 with a bang, pipping a resurgent Myke into a close second place. The third, fourth and fifth places were hotly contested by SteveB, stewartbarclay and Wren. Links to all the successful FPs, NiBs and Features (AKA Left Alerts) can be found below the leaderboard, as can the winner of the Cartoon of the month and the full list of tickers AKA headlines
apepper
New translation of bible reveals there was "No wi-fi at the inn"
Polling latest: Snowmen could form next government
Tooth Fairy receives secret payments from dentist cartel
Clare
Behind closed portcullises' - Megxit Netflix XXX for Royals
Ian Blackford quits SNP role for Dancing on Ice
Literally everyone on strike before Xmas
Second Coming set for Christmas as UK populated by infidels
Chipchase
Kane's missed penalty not all bad news
Chrisf
Magic crystals ask to see hard evidence of Ronaldo's 'talisman' credentials
Once a year Churchgoers forced onto ‘Christmas plus’ contracts
Deskpilot3
Beelzebub offers ‘warm space’ to freezing pensioners
Five lines on the rail strikes
Soldiers to conduct driving tests
Danny Soz
Jeff Bezos tosses family’s gifts over back fence in p!ssing rain
FlashArry
Endurance Games: the day after the day after Boxing Day
Gary Stanton
Harry Kane distracted by ghost of LGBTQ+ construction worker during missed penalty
Gerontius
Gove approves 200 miles of new canal
Government could be forced to withhold hand-claps unless nurses get back to work’ warns Barclay
Man who received first pair of slippers for Christmas still refusing to come out of bedroom
Ian Searle
Mick Carter detained by Border Patrol for attempting to cross the English Channel illegally
Jeremynh
BBC to relaunch 'Panorama' as sick reality TV show called 'Paranoia'
Mail demands jail terms for anyone blaming economic crisis on Brexit
Tory Party makes 2022 the biggest pantomime ever
World sees plucky underdogs demolish "unbeatable" opponents
Year in review: The news stories you wasted your life reading in 2022
Lockjaw
Judean Security Forces searching for Nazarene couple
mcdabble
Belgravia's Homewatch Association sets January referendum to join Russia
Midfield Diamond
Infantino does not feel like an MEP
Modelmaker
Changes to Monopoly to keep it relevant
Gillette finally launches five bladed lawnmower
NewsBiscuit road tests the next generation BMW self-driving car
Replacement army ambulance drivers anticipate being able to meet government targets
Myke
All set for Easter?' knocks 'All set for Christmas?' into second place
Burglar numbers falling. People urged to leave bacon fat in gardens
F*ck Off Gabriel! Cliff Richard song divides fans and critics
Holy family briefed against us, say Mary & Joseph
House of Commons foodbank running low on Cognac
I know you are - but what am I?’ Steve Barclay gets tough with unions
Penny Mordaunt denies wanting to be pope
Rural housing crisis eased by inbreeding, says Zoopla
Newsbiscuit Editorial Team
Defenestrated Russian sausage tycoon 'died of natural causes'
Prince Philip to guest edit NewsBiscuit
We're not getting angrier, so f@ck you, say women
oshaughnessy
British nuclear fusion reactor workers take anticipatory industrial action
Christmas cancelled after Lynx Africa gift set workers announce industrial action
Emergency NHS planning in chaos after the army decide to camouflage ambulances
England footballers threaten strike action unless demands on pay, conditions and pensions are met
Raggers
Man has wife’s birthday present removed from his colon
More money saving tips, from financial guru Martin Clueless
Your December Horoscope, by Toxic Meg
SarahT
Mpox rebrand causing MMMBop earworms
Sketchly
'Unions' Christmas charity single - The Twelve Days of Staggered Walkouts
SteveB
#1 best seller this Yuletide season is Die Hard themed Christmas tree
Countdown clock goes into injury time
Global game of Whamageddon already down to last three
Gyles Brandreth's safeword clocked at five hours long
NHS to use laughter as the next best medicine
Shock as reporter rings doorbell, camera crew already in house
Warm bank robbery leaves four shivering
stewartbarclay
Banking reforms mean cocaine and strippers are back
Fishy review after Berlin hotel aquarium explosion
Have you tried freezing to death, asks Government
How a micro-penis is micro-f*cking the climate
Nadhim Zahawi stubs toe, blames Putin
Nurses striking as ‘too many things up peoples' butts’
Parents steeling themselves for school Christmas plays
Qatar's human rights abuses now irrelevant
Sully
Dad has been humming to himself for 6 hours straight
Eton to offer ‘Muggle Studies’ courses
Men poised for greatness, just as soon as the Xmas aftershave arrives
Nye Bevan clones ‘almost ready to resurrect Labour’
Throngsman
Army to cover ambulance drivers, nurses, teachers and posties
Elon Musk found sleeping rough
Government agrees to allow people to dream - grudgingly
Government makes DAB Day a Bank Holiday
Jeremy Clarkson new Twitter CEO
SAS selection to include thesaurus and dictionary in Bergen
Wrenfoe
All advent calendar doors have a landlord behind them
Ghost of Christmas future stuck in 2022
Kid in checkout queue definitely needs to pack it in
Labour to replace Lords with eerie black monolith
Mariah Carey disappointed to receive just 'you' for Xmas
MP confuses nurses with someone wearing a French maid’s outfit
New Year’s Eve resolves to be as sh*t as always
Santa refuses to break picket-lines
Unions only allowed to strike at night time
Cartoon of the month - The job interview, by Modelmaker
Tickers - AKA Headlines
apepper
Brexit replaces Christianity as main religion in UK
Fury as Anne Sacoolas won't be able to run anyone else over
for 8 months
German fish celebrate Tankxit
Man smuggling chocolate bar under hat has bounty on his head
Clare
PM pledges more police brutality to stop peaceful protests
deeplydisturbed
2022 World Homeopathy Conference declared "most
powerful ever" as no-one turns up
Deskpilot3
17 found in the queue as Navy dig out Antarctic post office
Anger as UN denies the cultural significance of arctic roll
Bankman-Fried: I hope to repay crypto losses. And cure
cancer. And land on Mars
Cocktail waiters told to avoid mixing at Christmas
Hospital say boy who swallowed 52 magnets is 'clinging on'
Matt Hancock and Meghan vie for public's lack of affection
Meghan claims she was promised Wales for Christmas
New bank notes: Andrew to feature on the nine bob note
NHS pickets 'nursing a grievance'
No felicitations in Wales due to strike by Bore Da force
Picket line braziers offer pensioners 'warm spaces'
Poet sensitive to nuts has a peanut elegy
Putin invites Kim Jong-un to guest edit the war in Ukraine
for a few days
Recovering horse is in a stable condition
Rogue pigeons planning a coo
Titanic 2 to be filmed on a floating steakhouse in Essex
Tories keen to see Mick Lynch under a tree at Christmas
Vagrants celebrate take your dog to work on a string day
Waitrose announces Fortnum & Mason price match
Workers to remain on strike until the weather improves
docholiday
Burglars that broke into Roy Keane's house are all now
safely in traction
dogular
Cynical contracts lawyer does not believe in Santa Clause
dominic_mcg
Celine Dion has a rare neurological disorder but assures
fans her heart will go on
granger
Snowmen banned from supermarkets for picking their noses.
ian searle
Citroen Sales Model accused of lying on CV
Jack the Quipper
In This Weekend's Times - The Dates Of The Next Train
Strikes & How To Spot The Difference
Jim Skinz
Government issues advent calendars with draft excluders on
doors
Teenager with acne wins BBC's SPOTTY award
Lockjaw
Man with a bad case of the farts hopes it will blow over
soon
MADJEZ
New Scottish gender questionnaire asks 'Donald where's ya
troosers ?'
micca
Duck born with two mouths is rushed to the vets - owner
facing unexpected bill
Government creates VIP lanes at overstretched A&Es
Mick Turate
Rishi Sunak asks homeless man how he lost all his houses.
More gaffes soon
Midfield Diamond
Gove denies new colliery is to support anyone’s coke habit
Nation prays for royal death to stop supermarket xmas music
Modelmaker
Children strike over Christmas pudding thrupenny bits not
keeping pace with inflation
Man with no eyebrows raises concerns over cheap
"Talibanger" Christmas crackers
New coal mine needed for Mars exploration coal-powered
rocket says Rees Mogg
No mention of humans in Cop15 species protection deal
Palace staff member sets standard nation expects of
government
Myke
Alexa, remind me to put the sprouts on
Plan to move Swindon to Donetsk broadly welcomed
Puss in Boots - pimple explodes in high street pharmacy
World Cup over. Men fall silent at urinals
Not Titus
A game to die for, says Grant Wahl
oshaughnessy
Dominic Raab sets world record for stepping out of the most
Range Rovers in a week
England footballers return with a cat and a monkey for Harry
Kane's back
First pope to resign becomes first pope to die after
resigning
Glitter to headline Glastonbury
Vivienne announces her new black collection
Raggers
Lady Hussey claims she was possessed by the ghost of Prince
Philip
Man employed to clear blocked sewers says he’s just going
through the motions
Many living on the streets in cheap camping gear. Now is the
winter of discount tents
World Fencing Championship postponed due to creosote
shortage
ron cawleyoni
Russian sausage tycoon dies in Indian hotel fall, Police
search for links
Terry Hall RIP: Much Too Young
Wokerati outraged at Man City decision to only play fit and
thin footballers
sinnick
Striking perverts gather around a warm brassière
Sketchly
Keir Starmer to be new face of Mr Potato Head
Man finally acknowledges he has more bags-for-life than his
life actually warrants
SteveB
Boris Becker returns
Bung it like Beckham
Prisoner with pet rabbit made a run for it
Rubber police force overstretched
UK so cold, Tory ministers keeping their hands in their own
pockets
stewartbarclay
Charity shops 'braced for impact'
Spielberg regrets impact of 'Jurassic Park' on dinosaurs
Sydalg
Footprint of man wearing no shoes tells Robinson Crusoe it's
Casual Friday
Incestuous couple file for divorce, citing
"irreconcilable similarities"
Kids wake up to find AK47s in their stockings as army replaces
striking Santa
Titus
Becker ruled 'out'
Dermatology nurses refuse to have anything to do with scabs
King's Christmas speech his most popular Christmas speech
ever
Labour wants to change national corruption & cronyism to
local corruption & cronyism
Team wins footy match - just. Other news: cancer cure found
p9, Martians land p15
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