WOTM Nov 2022

A draw this month, with SteveB and stewartbarclay sharing the honours.  Ragmans Trumpet came in a creditable third and Modelmaker and Wren tied just behind.

As usual all the links to the Front Pages, News in Briefs and Left Alerts AKA Features are posted below the leaderboard, as are this month's tickers.

Adrian Bamforth

'Basic Skynet' to offer annihilation of mankind supported by ads

George, Zippy and Bungle protest at rainbow ban in Qatar

apepper

Braverman reluctantly removes sandwich board showing nuclear codes

Ex-wife convinces Matt Hancock he's going to eat kangaroo anus "as part of TV show

Government admits future of country depends on John Lewis Christmas Advert

Makers of The Crown fury at Royal Family's "unrealistic" lifestyle

Most of remaining government time to be spent apologising

CaptainParrot

Man substitutes personality for Madri obsession

Pushy dad already playing Haaland compilation to son in womb

Chipchase

Average wait in Post Office queue worse than M25 rush hour

'Ministry of Justice set to free up case backlogs by new 'toss of a coin - best of three' trials

Chrisf

Cowboy fired after false ‘this ain’t my first rodeo’ claims

‘Gap between borrowing and savings rates’ to be recognised as a Wonder of the World

Man struggling to prove fitness for watching World Cup from his sofa

Mobsters to adopt Boots ‘3 for 2’ extortion racket

Phone companies pre-announce record profits after Matt Hancock windfall

Clare

Christmas decorations up before Dec 1st? You are a psycho

Danny Soz

Nigeria in talks with UK for return of Rees-Mogg

Subbuteo Table Soccer To Launch Oppressive Qatari Regime World Cup Edition

Deceangli

‘A’ levels to be replaced by three-word slogans

Asylum-seekers urged to keep backstories simple

Jacob Rees-Mogg to be deleted as a parody human

Rift in space-time continuum caused by Corbyn

Deskpilot3

A few words on leaving Kherson

The answer is always growth

FlashArry

Qatari TV Broadcasters announce new schedule for the World Cup

Gerontius

Captain Pugwash friend says BBC portrayal of pirate ‘not true to life’

harrypalmer

Russia leaves giant wooden horse behind in Kherson as goodwill gesture to Ukraine

humpenscrumpjnr

Cyber Monday downgraded to Analogue Wednesday

Irrelevant

Equality in football definitely not there yet, says man with moobs

Jack the Quipper

Gavin Williamson's resignation letter in full

jeremynh

Boris bids for power again with exciting new Scofflaw Party

New lockdown announced to fight inflation

Joanne Starkie

'‘It’s all a conspiracy to get you to pay more for us’ says bird flu denying turkey

Your alternative guide to staying warm - and maybe even alive - this winter

Lockjaw

"Birthday party in Qatar Towers was rubbish" declares six-year-old

Midfield Diamond

Booing of ‘Big Six’ Premier League Clubs to be banned

International tightrope walking competition opens in Qatar

Modelmaker

Chancellor to blame H&S Executive for severe budget cuts

Cost of living crisis: Patients prescribed food as part of health trial

GB News sign up Roy Race as World Cup Anchor and senior pundit

Gosport dog now relieved that the Navy appears to heve repelled Putin's assault on the south coast

Lords may block Allwyn Entertainment taking over the National Lottery

Man desperate to turn Alexa off

Politicians to go on pay strike

Sunak to announce plan to improve integrity in government

Oshaughnessy

England lose their first training session on penalties

Government approves Cockney independence referendum

NASA dismisses claims they sent rockets to the moon years ago as wild conspiracy theories

World could run out of Americans by 2030 warns UN

Ragmans Trumpet

7 money saving tips from financial guru, Martin Clueless

Man sh*ts himself whenever anyone mentions Wordle

Man thinks his ‘lucky pants’ will help England win the World Cup

Shock in Pontypandy as Fireman Sam’s ‘hero’ reputation goes up in smoke

Your monthly horoscope, by Toxic Meg

Rich T

Braverman announces all new migrants to fight in Ukraine

rogerg

Government ministers to be fully automated by 2030

Sarah Tipper

God Save The Quing expected to be sung until after coronation

Sketchly

Britain's next Prime Minister to be decided by Christmas raffle

SteveB

Alien who asked 'take me to your leader' taken to Martin Lewis

Biggest prize ever won on a game show is Richard Osman

'Block Guardian on Twitter for constant lies,' says man who lied to you from No. 10 rose garden

Donald Trump announces he's running for whatever Elon Musk says

Exchange rate of Elon Musks plummets $42 Billion

Kangaroo anus refuses to go anywhere near Matt Hancock

Suella Braverman told to 'blink twice' at next PMQs if she is being held against her will by Tories

UK economy lands jam side down

Ukraine sick of laundering the underpants of sh*t UK politicians

Steve Blair

Gavin Williamson vows to clear name by ‘duffing up’ those who accused him of bullying

stewartbarclay

300,000 new homes for Tory voters

8 billion people and they all voted for me says Trump

I'm a Celeb goes full Lord of the Flies

Musk selling blue ticks ‘tuppence a bag’

Parcel delivery vans park where they like as ‘it’s Christmas’

Populist loses election, reacts maturely

Qatar bans rainbows in the sky

Tories urge nurses to be Sexy Nurses if they want a pay rise

'Welsh football fans bracing for 'peak patronisation'

Williamson flushes Sunak's head down toilet

Sydalg

Airbnb guests can opt out of being filmed by owners' hidden cameras

Britain "could export its ice to North Pole and save glaciers"

Throngsman

ITV launch new game show - Jump Off A Cliff

Teacher finally concludes whose time was wasted

Royal Mail strikes postponed over problems with postal ballot

Shapps plans to build wind turbines in space

Walter Eagle

Newsbiscuit generously opens borders to flood of Twitterian migrants

Wrenfoe

8 billionth child is born to the same couple in Gateshead

Annoying climate activist moderately less annoying than global extinction

Celeb returns to twitter to see if their flounce worked

Genealogist reveals all your ancestors are dead

Man offers his letterbox as a replacement for Twitter

MrBeast passes PewDiePie as name likely to confuse your Gran

Starmer & Sunak rush to complete poppy side-quest

Starmer: 'We cannot afford to clap for nurses'

UK to fix broken asylum system, once it stops breaking it

Walliams: 'I'm more of a national treasure than Savile!'

Tickers - AKA Headlines

Adrian Bamforth

Removal of mini Bounty Bar from Celebrations provokes mutiny

apepper

Deal on metric system inches closer

Government admits future of country depends on John Lewis Christmas Advert

Chrisf

Egg chucked at King Charles was first in line to be thrown

Deskpilot3

139 complaints to Ofcom that Coronation Street is still on

Aldi's latest store is a near perfect copy of an M&S

Daily Mail demands control of PMs diary

Elon Musk says Twitter is firing on all cylinders

Faeces left at MPs office - inside jobbie?

Holly and Phil receive Glastonbury tickets numbered 1 and 2

Kamala Harris lookalike is a veep fake

King Charles stand-ins to include Edward, Anne and Rory Bremner

Latest census reports massive reduction in the number of Jedi

New BBC show for young animal activists - Blue PETA

Turnip wins turnip prize

US senate election race is neck and redneck

World cup: Qatar gets extra time. Fifty years should do it

Docholiday

Smallpox now to be called vertically challenged pox

Swan Vesta worried business will go up in smoke if employees strike

Twenty stone man can't afford to stay overweight

dominic_mcg

Unidentified item in bagging area still has experts baffled

Woman you've never heard of pulls out of TV programme you don't watch

ian searle

Joe Jackson finally discovers she wasn't really going out with him

Jack the Quipper

England team anxious playing in front of crowd sober enough to realise how crap they are

Waste methane to be used to power wind farms

jim Skinz

As net migration soars, Suella Braverman says: “We’re gonna need a bigger net”

Cop27 says thanks for the anonymity but he prefers to be known as Dave the policeman

David Beckham vows to “take the fee” at the start of every World Cup match

Man who lived in Paris airport for 18 years now boarding at heaven’s gate

Joanne Starkie 

You’re not a celebrity but you are getting out of here’ chief whip tells Hancock

King Chucky Egged

Lockjaw

14-year-old boy worried he may be subject to emissions tax

Elon Musk considering Walmart dismissal process

MADJEZ

Football fans thank Qatar rulers for saving them from drinking Budweiser

Qatar: England fan whose armbands were confiscated, tragically drowns in hotel pool

Mick Turate

Fans warned that watching too much football on TV can cause qataracts

Rishi Sunak announces U-turn over I'm A Celebrity attendance

Midfield Diamond

Teetotal football

Trump vows to ‘Make Americans Gullible Again’

Modelmaker

Bob Marley's One Love becomes latest football crowd chant

Covid campaigners battle with climate activists over best way to tell Matt Hancock he's a c**t

Latest JCB described as ground breaking

Walmart manager demonstrates that returned gun wasn't faulty after all

Oshaughnessy

Police charge man who broke into UK battery firm

Poundland forced to change name to OnePoundThreePenceland

Tube workers refuse to walk out and take the escalators instead

Ragmans Trumpet

Cluedo cards solve Lord Lucan mystery: Col. Mustard in the kitchen with a lead pipe

Cryptocurrency firm FTX is FKD

Ireland’s ‘Best Skin Doctor’ award goes to Dr Dermot O’Logical

Larry the cat says Gavin Williamson put him in a bin

Man who shoved stolen sausages up his a*se grilled by police

Man who stole fireworks by shoving them up his a*se has been let off by police

Man who took herbs from police canteen and binned them is charged with wasting police thyme

World Dog Sh*tting Championship: Great Dane says a big win is in the bag

ron cawleyoni

King of Beers unhappy with King of Qatar

Qatar World Cup - Sticks In Your Throat

Uruguay 0 v 0 South Korea, Men of The Match..Kim

Sketchly

Tired of comments on his short trousers, Rishi Sunak invests in a pair of wellingtons

SteveB

Lewd, Rude, Blarney, McCrude, Mouthberk, Dribble and Grubby

Oxford Dictionary word of the year voted as clusteromnifuckshambles

Sydalg

Charles should only be pelted with swans' eggs, says royal protocol expert

Man fitted with new genitals still getting the hang of them

Throngsman

8 billionth child born - Boris denies responsibility

Titus

Barber with a blunt razor throws a strop

Chinese police beat up British TV cameraman 'for his own protection'

Enquiry into Möbius strip criticised for being one-sided

Ill-tempered rice farmer finds himself in a paddy

Low-cost, super-safe, not-too-loud bonfire party dismissed as a firewoke display

Nazir Afzal denies that his report on the London fire brigade was incendiary

Walter Eagle

"No beer." says Qatar. "Don't worry, we're still selling Budweiser."

Will

Met Police Chief - "Some Coppers are bastards"