WOTM Sep 2022
This month's winner claims to be neither a man nor a trumpet - both presumably true but we can add great comedic writer to the list as well. Ragmans Trumpet has scored points in all of the main categories, including a very creditable 14 tickers.
As usual the full list of FPs, NiBs and LAs (AKA Features) with hyperlinks are below, plus this months cartoon of the month andd the full list of tickers.
A.L.Shaw
1,922 ways in which Truss Ministry could fall by Friday, anonymous experts confirm
apepper
IMF 'bunch of bellends' or 'absolutely brilliant' depending if we need to borrow money
Queen tells Boris she'll meet him in Balmoral as she boards plane for Barbados
Trump's legal woes mount as Lieutenant Columbo assigned to his case
Waiting list to see people looking at queue closed
Chipchase
Destitute Red Wall Tory voter delighted by Kwarteng’s budget
EXCLUSIVE: Leaked details of Truss's upcoming keynote conference speech
Exclusive Truss's Conference walk-on music will be The Prodigy's Firestarter
Chrisf
How long is the queue now? Government issues common-sense units of measurement
Man worried about 'peaking too early' in grieving for Queen
The 6 most useless items of school stationery
Dagular
Charles III going straight to cable
Deceangli
GP’s receptionist struck off after patient death
Kremlin colleagues urged to give Putin a hug
Thatcher’s ghost dictating economic policies via p*ssed medium
World’s worst boyband to re-unite for farewell gig
Dominic_mcg
Britain's strictest school bans students from wearing vegetables
Filthy Rich
Anal insertion champion accused of playing chess during live squeezathon
Bare-chested Putin Celebrates Victory Over Rogue Gorbachev Republic
Basalt enthusiasts celebrate devastating annihilation of seabirds
‘Catch Me If You Can’: Queen Taunts PM Candidates
Hibernation: the on-trend way people in YOUR neighbourhood are subsisting NOW!
New Memorial Queue Commemorates Endpoint of Previous Queue
Queen’s funeral “to showcase her abiding veneration of Nora Batty”
Ian Searle
Super Kwasi Facile Dipstick Fiscal Plan Is Hopeless
Irrelevant
Scientists warn about the effects of Nicholas Witchell
Midfield Diamond
Kitchen sink missing from Brighton's training ground
Overpaid front benchwarmers released in transfer window
Modelmaker
Buckingham Palace Flower Show draws huge crowds
Chancellor asks for Commons whip round as UK credit card declined
Next monarch to be chosen by Tory party members
Palace uncertain what to do about cash hidden in Queen's mattress
Royal memorabilia sales, boost failing Chinese economy but impacts value of collectors' assemblages
NickB
All teams to wear black strip when football resumes
Oshaughnessy
NHS bed shortage solved as Thérèse Coffey turns up outside IKEA in a Transit
Rees-Mogg assures the British public that earthquakes are perfectly safe
The Borrowers face eviction if interest rates skyrocket
Ragmans Trumpet
Bah, humbug! A glimpse into the future... A Carolean Christmas
Dulwich woman finds the a*se of Jesus in a packet of Monster Munch
Family falls apart when the internet goes off for 10 minutes
Poet Laureate marks the sad death of the Queen, with a limerick
The 10 stages of grief you must go through to mourn the Queen’s death
The fat b*stards guide to gaining weight while on a diet
UK wonders if it's suffering from mass hallucination
Woolly postbox toppers have the Royal Mail in stitches
Sarah Tipper
Tumble dryers wondering why they've been ostracized
Sir Lupus
Bankers welcome budget help with cost of skiing crisis
Britain appoints bottom of barrel as Prime Minister
Redundant Clarence House staff to be buried alongside Queen
Woman calls transport police over train leaving on time
SteveB
A final salute to the greatest Prime Minister Britain ever had
Brits break world record for biggest and longest ever game of real life Snake
Energy crisis entirely down to pointless baking in a tent in the middle of summer
Millions lining M6 to see funeral cortege pass through England left disappointed
'No state funeral for Mikhail Gorbachev' say those who owe their existence to him
Numbers want their hashtag back
'We need to let Truss have a go and see how she does' agrees never in better shape
stewartbarclay
Homeless move to London to get looked after on the streets
It's what she would have wanted
Johnson’s letter of no confidence in whoever his successor is
KLF sound cash inferno alarm as government sends entire UK economy up in smoke
Kwarteng higher than a banker's bonus
Liz Truss offers hope to idiots everywhere
Syntaxerror01
Following the commemorative coin we now get a stamp
thatwasbeast
iPhone 14 just an abstract vapour
Throngsman
Archbishop of Canterbury 'well aware' September the 19th is also 'talk like a pirate'
Center parcs release final U turn instructions for residents
FBI ordered to return Trump colouring books
First coin depicting King Charles III to be the new £2,000,000 coin
Government admits it is now a parody account
Liz Truss reveals ambition to become Queen
Man on walking tour of London claims it is too slow
Scientists dispute Gogo fish find predates Jacob Rees-Mogg
The new CFO of Yew Kay limited claims paying directors 150% of earnings 'not a gamble'
Ukraine 'frustrated' by failure to retake area the size of Wales
Water found in Winchcombe meteorite 'incredibly similar to rainwater' say scientists
Westminster Abbey 'not available for Coronations' until 2025
Why earthquakes caused by fracking are a Brexit bonus
Titus
Household Cavalry to provide 18th Duke of Norfolk with a horse during his driving ban
Zoo closes after Animals Can No Longer Afford To Rent Cages In Bristol City Centre
urbanhermit
Queueing To Become Official Olympic Sport
Wrenfoe
Action hero actually prefers a leisurely stroll to parkour
Energy crisis solved by rubbing the nation's batteries
Holly & Phil to host Ukraine vote
NASA to prevent Earth colliding with second Trump Presidency
Rings of Power worse than Brexit Festival
UK has 10 days to spend all the old currency
Ukraine doing well is 'bitter sweet' says arms manufacturer
UN peacekeepers determine whose turn it is ‘to put out the bins'
Cartoon of the Month
This month the cartoon of the month is 'On the outskirts of London' by Lockjaw.
Tickers (AKA Headlines)
Adrian Bamforth
Great Escape
tunneller successfully buried on third attempt
Man who had sex
with pasta says he was just feeling cannelloni
Prince Andrew also
to be sealed in royal vault
apepper
Dogs escape as
pound collapses
Journalists queue
for 15 hours to attack Schofield and Willoughby
Beau-Jolly
HM the Queue
Letter boxes to be
marked C3 PO
Camz
Government Minister
wears hard hat and Lo-vis vest to drive home
Much awaited
documentary on Camilla will not be titled: 'Bride of Chuckie'
chrisf
Frogman conducting
archival research will do deep dive
Deskpilot3
58% of teachers are
on free school meals
Avanti Chief Exec
leaves faster than any of his trains
Charles wishes that
his Mum had taken out a prepaid funeral plan
Claudia Later
unclear why she missed out on weathergirl job
Controversial ornithologist
ruffles feathers
Drought latest:
water companies to impose shower cap
Hairdressers to be
taxed on fringe benefits
In-debt chef has
his wages garnished
Minister for
ballooning let go
More explosions are
in the pipeline
Nation consoled
after a really good queue
Nutritionists
confirm that a Polo is not a wholefood
Overworked
firefighters are suffering from burnout
Peppa Pig to
feature first openly Tory character
Police
investigating report of shots at coffee shop
Rogue origamist
brought back into the fold
Ryan Giggs gets a
replay
Truss already
speaking to donors about getting new wallpaper
Twitter to offer
users a 'get a life' button
dominic_mcg
"Schrodinger's
coffin" theory in very poor taste says eminent scientist
Apathetic student
applies for no interest loan
Chancellor reaches
out to the incontinent with trickle down budget
Cost of living
crisis improves slightly after launch of webuyanychild.com
Failed ballet
student leaves university with just a 2:2
Rees Mogg promises
price cap on phosphoric lucifers
She touched so many
people around the world - Andrew wanted to be just like her
FlashArry
Aaww bless ! Boris
thinks he is still relevant
Granger
Official - Truss'
only aim, to be worse than Johnson
ian searle
Russian oil chief
dies in fall from hospital window trying to get a view of Salisbury Cathedral
Irrelevant
Hello Balmoral
here...is this fecking ambulance coming or not?
Jack the Quipper
Queuers on Lambeth
Bridge receive council tax demands from City of Westminster
jackyates
1922 Committee in
talks with Labour Party
World’s oldest zoo
remains open in Westminster
Jane Bostin
“I bet we don’t
look so bad now, do we?” laugh Boris and Rishi
UK queues for 5
miles to see Queen, as a rehearsal for food bank queues this winter
jim Skinz
ITV’s This Morning
competition prize is a free bus ride to a food bank
Jockey “good to
firm” in hospital after Viagra overdose
micca
Submarine company
goes under
Mick Turate
Pound reaches
parity with the cowrie shell
UK pound to be
renamed shitcoin
Modelmaker
Charles III,
formerly known as Prince, new double A side: "Sign 'o' the Times" and
"Purple Reign"
Doctors request
more funding new PM brings sharp rise in demand for Vallium
oshaughnessy
Boris threatens
legal action over Lying-in-State allegations
Drive Thru option
boosts queue speed
Man claims pint of
milk in his fridge has lived through two prime ministers and two monarchs
Relief that the
Queen died of old age and not a falling anvil as first thought
Surprise as Windsor
Castle features on Homes Under the Hammer
Paul L
Controversial
barber razes some eyebrows
Sporting events
cancelled; work and drudgery allowed to continue
Ragmans Trumpet
A man who
accidentally sat on a bicycle pump says it really put the wind up him
Boris only made 2
mistakes as PM – everything he said, and everything he did
Man arrested for
public order offences, after ‘looking at the Queen’s coffin a bit funny’
Man in hospital
after eating memory foam mattress. Doctors say he’s comfortable
Man who went
shopping for camouflage trousers couldn’t find any
Meghan hugs mourner
in poignant TikTok opportunity
Milk now more
expensive than petrol - but petrol on cornflakes doesn’t taste very nice
New children’s book
about the travels of the Queen’s coffin is called ‘Where’s Lizzy?’
Nirvana baby loses
lawsuit. Nevermind
Thanks to Kwasi,
the pound’s down the khazi
The man who
invented autocorrect has died. Restaurant in peace.
Train driver sacked
for crashing train admits his career has gone off the rails
Unemployed
ventriloquist can’t afford to buy gread & gutter, or a gottle of geer
Woman who keeps
forgetting her email password has had to rename her cat 5 times
rogerg
Liz Truss accused
of being only superficially human
ron cawleyoni
Putin to keep
Nordic Stream 1 on the back burner
SimonJMr
Children think
Halloween has come early after Therese Coffey appears on BBC Breakfast
Direct hit as
Kwarteng smashes reckless fiscal policies into UK economy
Kwarteng’s budget
aids Rees-Moggs plan to scrap decimal currency
Westminster Hall
Trip advisor * : long queues, no gift shop at the end
sinnick
Falsified photo of
Mariana Trench found to be a deep fake
Sculptor goes bust
Sir Lupus
Kwarteng saves
pound by betting whole budget on "Truss out by Xmas" at 5-2
SteveB
BBC withdraws all
comedy shows as mark of respect. Mrs Brown's Boys can still be shown
Don't believe
anything until you've heard it from a GB News anchor
Heroic astronaut
completes longest ever spacewank
IKEA clarifies its
flat packs to not contain entire flats
Meghan did it
New Prime Minister
off to a lying start
'Sterling takes a
dive'. Southgate furious
'We will not
hesitate to raise interest rates' says Bank of England, hesitating
stewartbarclay
Piers Morgan still
looking for way to make Queen's death about him
'There's only room
for one Liz at the top' fumes Queen
Sydalg
New "5
condolences or less" express queue to speed things up
Titus
British economy
successfully knocked off course by launching incompetent Chancellor at it
Industry Complains
Of Being 'Kept In The Dark' Over Possible Winter Power Cuts
Russia To Buy Bows,
Arrows & Sharpened Sticks From North Korea
Russian Military
Operation In Ukraine Described As A 'Run-Away' Success
Will
Eton Mess - The
Boris Johnson Story
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