WOTM August 2022
Deskpilot3 has been on a mission this month - 1 FP, 3 NiBs and 21 tickers (AKA headlines). Well done, fantastic result. Ragmans Trumpet didn't do too shabbily, either. Congrats to everyone who made the leaderboard, if only for a single point, and thank you to everyone who pitched subs, tickers etc regardless of whether you got on the board or not.
apepper
Criminals demand prior notice of raids, arrests and stakeouts
Daily Mail dilemma as doctors show racism causes cancer
Starmer forbids front bench from singing along with Wilson Pickett
The Tory guide to saving water
Undead condemn bag for life 'discrimination'
Benvoleo
Water companies warn river levels too low for dumping sewage
Chipchase
Team Liz delighted as Truss masters her two times table
Chris Ballard
Downing Street hosepipes to be on all fuc*ing summer
ChrisF
6 bullsh*t reasons for dumping sewage in the sea
How I survived my miserable comprehensive school education, by Liz Truss
DavidH
He’s shouting, and four other signs a man is listening to music
Deskpilot3
Autumn TV schedules filled with political game shows
Football fans conned out of hundreds of pounds in latest scam
Government to replace Driving Test by self certification system
Trump file on President Macron leaked
Dominic_mcg
Next PM is responsible for Larry's cat litter tray, says Johnson
New Channel 5 reality cop show: Hosepipe Interceptors
Next round of Tory Leadership battle to take place in the middle aisle of Aldi
eppursimuove
Liverpool police apologise for arresting victim of attempted shooting
Rubbish piling up in Edinburgh
Filthy Rich
‘Desperate’ Limbo Contest sees Sunak and Truss Sinking to the Inevitable
NHS to emulate ‘zero customers: 100% target’ triumph of air travel industry
North Sea dairies accused of milking ‘cash cow’ consumers
Pelosi criticised for ‘inflammatory’ trip to Narnia
‘Total arse’ manifests in melted tarmac
Truss launches ‘Hokey Cokey’ manifesto, briefly
Ian Searle
Crew of the Titanic right not to issue life saving equipment to drowning passengers
Rishi Sunak admits robbing Peter to pay Paul
Irrelevant
Counting the cost of football coming home
The Price Cap: This winter's must have fashion accessory
Jack the Quipper
Whitehall Voicemail August 2022
James_Doc
Jane Bostin
Woman believes she won’t gain weight by eating someone else’s chips
Jeremynh
New sun ray tax will restore nation's normal state of gloom
Lockjaw
Fears grow that migrants may be able to raft to Britain on a torrent of French @rse
Pepys' Diary: The Great Drought
Modelmaker
Authority warns Tory leadership that bar has been set so low, it is now an H&S issue
Cost of cremation deterring people from dying
Water companies urge people to piss more frequently so they can have their water back
Oblongscone
Prince Charles accepted million pound donation from Galactic Empire
Pliskin
Prescott to offer free tooth extractions
Ragmans Trumpet
Calls for a halt to ‘shrink-flation’ as a Freddo becomes invisible to the naked eye.
Cat prefers the taste of his own a*sehole to the food his owner gives him
Cleethorpes man receives updated version of Ten Commandments from God
Government plans to give food vouchers to obese people
Office workers enthralled as colleague tells them how hot it is for the 500th time
UK braced for increased levels of sweating
UK’s best public toilets announced
Robowurzel
Mystery of half-billion year old creature with no anus solved
SarahT
Birmingham appearing on maps since before the 2022 Commonwealth Games
Train Strikes Causing Classic Jokes To Fail
Sir Lupus
Government to cap train fares and golf club memberships
SteveB
Brits already experiencing Truss fatigue
Channel 4 News operating under the delusion that the Tory leadership car crash is still newsworthy
Gazza's face reappears on White Cliffs of Dover, but this time in smeared excrement
Miracle declared as face of Jesus appears in painting of Jesus
Treasury will get GPs to do your dishes and then regrout your downstairs loo
Trump loses everything on massive gamble with a straight flush
stewartbarclay
BP uses huge profits to sponsor Liz Truss £1bn per coherent sentence
'Energy price cap' is this season’s must have
Spaghetti Junction now Commonwealth Games event
Unemptied Edinburgh bin gets 4 star Fringe review
'What I did on my holibobs' by Boris Johnson
Sydalg
English to return all French loanwords as part of Brexit deal
Government refusing to confirm Black Death outbreak
President Biden accidentally cremated
synataxerror01
Eagle-eyed Kate spots a bargain.
Royal Mint announces new Tory leadership commemorative coin
Throngsman
Bus used for funeral procession 'failed to stop at the cemetery'
Crew of Changing Rooms 'bricking it' over upcoming Downing Street episode
Income tax to be reduced to negative 4% and all NI contributions to date to be repaid - Sunak
James Webb telescope fails to provide breath-taking photos for third day in a row
Liz Truss and Rishi Sunak claim to have Tats
NASA 'starting to regret' contracting Avanti
Panic as leadership contest enters swimsuit round
SNP ready to throw the towel in as Exeter rejects Indyref2
Truss accuses journalists of reporting rubbish, or press releases as they are also known
W Jansen
Man Finds Inner Strength to End Self-Improvement Journey and Accept Being Sack of sh*t
Wrenfoe
70% of all independent bookshops are run by a wizard
Blood transfusion payments will not cover Nosferatu
Disposable barbecues to be disposed of via a series of BBQs.
FBI definitely going to raid Bill Clinton…maybe
Nasa giant new Moon rocket looks awfully like a d$ck
Police give up search for missing golf ball
Russian hackers not sure which idiot to endorse
Sun to turn off to save energy
Cartoon of the Month
This month the cartoon of the month is 'As the leadership the contest hots up' by Modelmaker. Well done, MM
Tickers (AKA Headlines)
Adrian Bamforth
Nasa puts Artemis
rocket back in enormous biscuit tin
apepper
New official clown
pranker admits he has big shoes to fill
Deskpilot3
Anxious croupier
not good at dealing with stress
Authorities to
investigate claims of rip-off prices for Velcro
BP stands for
bumper profits
Cineworld: That's
all folks!
Convictions at
Badminton Horse Trials declared unsafe
Electric cars now
more expensive to run than petrol cars
Gove tells Sunak
he's got his back
Impoverished
grandmaster pawns his chess set
Leadership vote
delayed as ballot papers inadvertently omit the tick next to Truss's name
Levelling up
delivered - Northern city to host Eurovision
Missing Labour
leader found safe and well
Nigel Farage
demands heatwave temperatures in Farenheit
Rishi enjoys
shopping at Woolworth's, Our Price and Comet
Security expert and
water diviner found safe and well
Souness: not
winning trophies is a man's game
Stephen King starts
work on new book about energy bills
Stoners 'very
disappointed ' by artificial grass
Therapist starts
charging extra for baggage
Truss plans to rush
through everything
Useless ex-PM slams
useless current PM
'Wings' terror cell
not nearly as good as the Beatles
docholiday
After 2 weeks of
thunderstorms local man finds puddle in his back garden
dominic_mcg
Chaos as placard
factory workers go on strike
Criminal who stole
and crashed electric car has turned over a new leaf
Eeh, what am I
like? says Nadine Dorries
Johnson really
excited to be meeting the Queen in Balamory
Jury in Ryan Giggs
case dismissed. Verdict to be decided by VAR
Martin Lewis
enjoying new role as Leader of the Opposition
Nurses concede
they've not really been giving 100% since the clapping stopped
Olivia Newton Gone
Ryan Giggs' poetry
added to A level English syllabus
Granger
Changing Sheets On
Beds Now Counts As Building a New Hospital.
Thatcher
Vindicated, Private Water Companies CAN Make Profits From Shit
ian searle
Computers thrown
into disarray after '1' and '0' declare they are non-binary
Jack the Quipper
Sanna Marin denies she is a lapdancer - "I'm from much further south"
Scientists
investigate alarming spike in Covid cases every Thursday before Bank Holiday
Monday
Truss Worried Her
Policy Proposals Might Not Be In Vogue
jackyates
Finnish PM reveals
she has taken drug test – “Ecstasy works best, I find” she says
Starmer refuses to
apologise for holiday - "What goes in Clitheroe, stays in Clitheroe!"
Jane Bostin
Cost of living
crisis to be solved by ‘Clapping for the Poor’ every Thursday
Jim Skinz
Aggressive conker
declares war on oak
Hymn book maker
fears it's all going prayer-shaped
Lamb spotted in
driving seat arrested for being a sheep at the wheel
Unmarried women
form Spinstagram social media platform
Lockjaw
Artemissed
Finland's PM will
fight for the right to partay
MeMeMeMeMeghan
The carnival is
over for The Seekers' Judith Durham
Truss on Sturgeon:
pot calling kettle? ... in so many ways
Mick Turate
8.4% fewer female
A-Level students filmed jumping in the air
Princess Diana still
dead. More in 2047 and 2097
Midfield Diamond
Biden running
around in a sports bra after decisive strike
Modelmaker
Amazon extend lead
time on delivery of survival manuals due to "unprecedented demand"
Doctors say nerve
damage from nitrous oxide abuse is no laughing matter
Forty four UK
cities celebrate not having to host Eurovision 2023
Met Office confirms
the only place you'll see a rainbow this year is at an LGBTQ rally
Taxis to be fitted
with blue flashing lights, sirens and defibrilators
Ragmans Trumpet
“A clean beach
these days is hard to find”, sings Feargal Sharkey
Scottish women
relieved – they can now combat fuel poverty by burning free tampons
Truss says she’s
ready to press nuclear button – after visiting Birmingham
Woman appointed to
explain to men what it feels like to be kicked in the balls
robowurzel
Isle of Wight
welcomes a new addition to its pedalo fleet
rogerg
Helter Skelter costs spiralling
Universities told
to get used to drought affected "wonky students" this year
ron cawleyoni
People turning back
to cash as prices rise, shops awash with Ten Bob notes and Half Crowns.
SteveB
Daily Mail to save
one reader this winter, having done its best kill off so many others
Dusky Woodswallow a
bird not a porn star
Idler Liz Truss
holidaying around UK talking bollocks instead of not doing her job
Prime Minister
accidentally attends meeting while looking for biscuits and a shag
Trump loses with a
straight flush
stewartbarclay
Bus company
withdraws number 42, as life now considered meaningless
Sydalg
Britain's oldest
GCSE student, 92, breaks hip jumping in the air
Daily Mail warns of
looming shortage of "scorcher" clichés
Goverment to
replace navy with "impregnable ring of sewage" around Britain
Man planning to
start sperm bank says, "If you build it, they will come"
NASA expedition
only going to top of Empire State Building due to rising fuel costs
Scots period
officer transitions, now identifies as unemployed
Swimming in sea now
leaves you browner than lying in sun
syntaxerror01
Ofgem now uses an
old pine cone to calculate the energy price cap
Throngsman
Conservatives to
launch Con-men-wealth games
Referee scandal
blamed on a whistleblower
Titus
Determined British
sea swimmers underturd
Putin Prepares To
Launch 'Special Military Retreat'
Putin To Swap Cars
With His Daughter Before Every Journey
Rishi Sunak Wears
£450 Prada Shoes; Liz Truss Flip-Flops
The Archers - An
Everyday Story Of Centenarian People
UN Officials
Expected To Return From Zaporizhzhia Nuclear Power Plant With Glowing Report
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