NB WOTM April 2021 final
Cracking month and some terrific subs. SteveB has trounced us all with his incredible run on funnies, leaving Wren well in his wake. Big hello to relative newcomer Bangin' who has tied in third place with the Big O, no mean feat. All the FPs, NiBs and LAs listed below the leaderboard and theticker list, as usual, is in the Chat Room.
A.Mantra
Husband thinks the rancid milk water he made for his wife is tea
Man inexplicably still overweight after completing marathon
Wetherspoon’s beer garden is a main road
Adrian Bamforth
Question Time to re-introduce out-of-their-depth celebrities by September
AlkaXS
Prince Philip posthumously crowned winner of MasterChef 2021
apepper
Boris Johnson will act on sleaze ‘for the right price’
Cameron raises the bar in “worst Prime-Minister” contest
Boris Johnson will act on sleaze ‘for the right price’
BangingOnAgain
£4 billion cut to foreign aid ‘100% justified’ as Boris needs new downstairs toilet
Awful couple continuing to give ‘grand tours’ of their two bed semi
Charity appeal: adopt a Tory MP for just £30k a month!
Company’s ‘vision’ more inspirational than Martin Luther King’s
Dominic Cummings leaked PM’s private messages to ‘test eyesight’
Man astonished to learn TV can’t hear him when he shouts at it
“No way! I don’t believe it!”: reaction to shocking news Tories are all corrupt
People remembering they don’t actually like other people
Shock as travel boss thinks travel ban should be lifted
Bobski
BBC bosses report catastrophic shortage of middle class actors
Ghost of Jackie Millburn in support of north east super league
Chrisf
Confirming postcode when sharing missing dog post is pointless, say experts
Grand National 2021: NewsBiscuit form guide
Huge fatberg of lobbyists found in Westminster drain
Still some room in freezer, confirms man
Dan.F
Nicola Sturgeon found not guilty of Alex Salmond committing sexual assault
“We are going to have to learn to live with the Conservative Party,” says Whitty
Deceangli
Britain waits patiently for announcement of new PM
That Ted Hastings’ speech in full
Dominic_mcg
Boris Johnson devastated after unfiltered photo of him appears online
Filthy Rich
Boris retains mandate to send everything to shit, so long as footy saved
Carnage mars final furlong of reopening hairdressers’ steeplechase
Proclamation confirms ‘proportionate force’ deployed on Little Red Riding Hood
Queen’s heartfelt eulogy praises duke for ‘taking one for the team’
Frank Optional
Boris Johnson’s ‘make Britain pile again’ speech in full
Gerontius
Britain to drop Monday from week
Man shows how uninterested he is by writing a detailed argument about it
Return of the comb-over ‘definitely a cause for concern’ says government
The southern tribes still mourning the death of Prince Philip
Gibbet
Government to trial coughing in people’s faces
Granger
Drunk discovers ‘truth’ about Heath Ledger & Ethan Hawke
harrypalmer
Prince Philip funeral moved to avoid clash with Kilmarnock v Montrose cup tie
Ian Searle
Shock as mime artist realizes they really are trapped in a large glass box
James_doc
Pandemic affects Tories’ ability to understand simple concepts like sleaze
Lockjaw54
Max Stars
New conventional cop series to launch
NewsBiscuit’s guide to spurious wisdom
Sports Direct to start selling non fungible tokens
Midfield Diamond
Your newsbiscuit guide to returning to the office
Myke
Driving licence ‘unfair’ on those who haven’t got one yet
PDF inventor not compatible with hole in ground
Starmer backs Rachael Blackmore to win last week’s Grand National
Vatican is not institutionally Catholic, says commission
MzWibble
London journalists desperate to include Scots word ‘stooshie’ in doe story
Man missing for three years, after getting the bins in, discovered live and well
Yosser Hughes insists he ‘complied with rules’ when lobbying government to gizza job
Newsbiscuit Editorial Team
It’s two pills – but each pill is the size of a pillow
Martians prioritised with oxygen ahead of Earthlings
New super league to feature a competitive circle jerk
nicharper
Dread lochs: UK waterways blocked with thousands of tonnes of human hair
oshaughnessy
Boris denies avoiding duke of Edinburgh’s funeral: ‘it’s every bit as vital as a cobra meeting’
Famous high street brand the Labour Party collapses into administration
Government celebrates Barnard Castle day with a 264-gun salute
Large hadron collider finds evidence for a small hadron collider
Rome latest: emperor found stabbed in ditch – Centurions question Dominicus
Oxbridge
Woman who worked out what’s going on in Line Of Duty to be burned as a witch
Paul L
Band split with guitar playing dad because he’s their dad
SimoneCleal
Man leaves baked brie in oven for 500th consecutive time
Sir Lupus
Queen sells up and moves to Ibiza.
StanleyMizaru
Matt Hancock appreciation society says first meeting was a raging success
Lockdown sceptics take covid seriously as French philosophy is threatened
Telegraph reader feeling the pressure after call for global pandemic treaty
This Easter remember Piers Morgan suffered for you, Pope and Archbishop say
SteveB
All parental threats now debunked by children
April fools’ day made illegal by government fearing they might look like fools
Bluetit forced to prove identity before being allowed to nest in bird box
Covid passport could be tattoo in the genital area
Easyjet offering flights to pop you down to the shops
Enraging pop-up ad stops you dead in your tracks – click here for more.
JP Morgan-backed super league eclipsed by Standard Chartered mega league
Ludogorets Razgrad gutted not to be invited to join European Super League
No data breach not at Facebook never happened again
PM says ‘if postmasters had embezzled millions, they’d have got away with it’
Scotch egg industry facing substantial collapse
Selfish, greediest and the utterly psychotic also deserve a pay rise
Steve_l
Loyalist rioters to stop burning petrol cars by 2025
stewartbarclay
NASA helicopter tests on Mars annoy locals
Sydalg
God cancels flood after outbreak of animal swingers’ parties on ark
Shock as couple rent cabin in woods without being murdered
Throngsman
Hansard to be published via text
Man who shuns internet becomes YouTube hit
People can think about booking holidays, but don’t go any further says government
Titus
Keir & Boris in bidding war to condemn superfootyleague proposal
Wrenfoe
Bitcoin electricity usage caused by leaving the ‘big light’ on
Cameron denies lobbying for Remain
Children wary of the new ‘Prince Andrew award’
Corrupt Johnson accuses corrupt Cameron of corruption/plagiarism.
Hampshire cedes to northern independence party
Keir Starmer completes tutorial mode
Malcolm the human centipede sues Colin the caterpillar
Nation mourns loss of TV scheduling
Nostalgia now a thing of the past
Number of TV cops to exceed real cops by 2022
We ask ‘decking – is it the new ‘patio’ for middle-class serial killers?’
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