WOTM January 2021 Final
New year and a new WOTM. Old hand but recent returner ID has pushed hard this month and has hit every category on the way. Dece has given ID a good run for his money though, with 6 front pages and 9 NiBs. Wren, as usual, had a strong go too and Max Stars hasn't had too shabby a month.
Links to the FPs, NiBs and LAs below the leader board and ticker, as usual, in the chat room
A.Mantra
‘Not now Joe,’ pleads weary nation
AlkaXS
Homeschooling dad is quids-in after becoming a multi-academy schools trust
antharrison
Biden announces big plans for new White House curtains
apepper
Biden announces huge cutback in prostitute budget
Benvoleo
Rapturous fishermen sell up and move into lucrative nativity trails business
Chipchase
Pressure on NHS intensifies as tests show new ‘Boris jab’ 100% effective
Rees-Mogg announces he will compete in 2021 Tour de France
Dan.F
Act like you’ve got the virus and drive to Durham, suggests government
Trump plans to pardon himself for all the crimes he didn’t commit
US politicians pleased to see populace taking such an interest in legislative process
DavidH
Donald Trump’s Avengers assemble to fight Democrobots
Every road to be offered grit by September, confirms government
Football club cafe loses Michelin star
Middle-age men reminisce about non-essential car journeys of yesteryear
New office manager saddened by lack of inauguration ceremony
Deceangli
£30 food packs awarded Nobel Prize for economics
All US Presidents to be impeached as standard
BBC to include poisoners in cookery shows for balance
Boris offered job with covid marketing board
CERN scientists detect moment when child’s respect for dad switches to contempt
Creators of viral posts ‘just needed a hug’
Dido Harding spotted in Cannes with Lord Lucan and Shergar
Fact-shaming’ to be criminalised
Fronted adverbials declare independence
Local newspaper inadvertently covered story
Serial killer ‘misused apostrophes’
Starmer to replace Punch & Judy politics with Richard & Judy politics
Trolling to be defined as a basic human right
Vaccine: first 50 million doses go to PMs family and friends
Wuhan market trader awarded knighthood ahead of Nigel Farage
Doctor Chutney
More comedians lined up for “Live From the Tardis” spots on Doctor Who
Twitter outrage as man tweets intelligent, cogent, coherent argument
Dominic_mcg
Hypocrite Rees Mogg has pond full of koi carp
Man enters third day of BBC customer survey
Filthy Rich
2021 admitted to rehab under ‘impossible’ weight of expectation
Derbyshire police unable to prove ‘picnic’ contained statutory number of wasps
Embattled Trump declares war on Isla St Clair
New Bowie film totally fails to capture his passion for admin, complains family
Public figures’ new year’s resolutions leaked
Republican Senators conclusively prove blind belief Trump’s fact-based evidence
Takeaway lattes count as ‘substantial meal’, confirm panicked ministers
‘We’d rather take our chances in Kabul’ plead Washington-bound US troops
Gerontius
Driving JCBs through polystyrene walls will be kept to minimum, promise Tories
Gibbet
Fourth wave to start on Good Friday, PM decides
Starmer calls for ’round the clock’ press conferences
harrypalmer
Police numbers to be doubled for inauguration with addition of 7 more cops
Ironduke
Anti-democracy campaigners storm Parliament
Continental flotilla of little ships set sail to rescue EU vaccines
Economy boost as schoolteacher exam prediction bribes kick through
Fourth Horseman of the Apocalypse has stone in shoe, will catch up later
Houses of Parliament renovations halted after rare Lib Dem MPs discovered within
Kids food packs include £5 of ingredients and a £25 haute cuisine recipe book
Mass vaccine trials lead to worldwide placebo shortage
Middle class lockdown angst defined by 2hour debate on cooking brisket joint
NewsBiscuit guide to lockdown worker statuses
Starmer: government has called lockdown too soon already not enough early late
Teachers ‘back to school’ packs to include blindfold and last cigarette
‘The walk’, a pictorial odyssey, new craze to sweep social media
Viking longships, French Men o’War and Spanish galleons seen off Kent
Itsmejack
Priti Patel asks police to enforce new year’s resolutions
Max Stars
First new Brexit passport holder discovered to be an illegal immigrant
Govt. Appoint Danny Boyle to head up national vaccination programme
Hermit of the Year award cancelled due to covid19
Paul McKenna admits failure in ‘I can make your hair grow back’ challenge
World darts champion recruited to boost vaccination drive
Midfield Diamond
Christmas snacks and sweets to be finished before health kick starts
Entire cabinet fails a new years resolution to stop smirking
Myke
Kier Starmer to star as Lady Penelope in new Thunderbirds movie
Sir Philip Green and Mike Ashley tie the knot in secret wedding
Newsbiscuit Editorial Team
Government deny there is a shortage of vaccine, PPE or excuses
oshaughnessy
Boris makes heartfelt non-apology for being Boris
Boris to star in reboot of classic comedy Fawlty Tiers
Government to boost morale by replacing Wednesdays with happy days
State schools to close permanently as Mogg asks ‘why bother educating urchins?’
Travellers to UK will be clapped in irons and quarantined inthe Bates Motel
Oxbridge
Bat shit ‘actually not that crazy’
Paul L
Married couple use 40 years of growing apart to see them through self-isolation
Woman admits not using wishbone win to wish for a better 2021 for the world
ron cawleyoni
A song for Priti to the tune of Pretty Woman!
Rowly
New oxford vaccine contains purely British genome sequence
Sarah Tipper
Passports now used exclusively to accept Amazon booze deliveries
SimoneCleal
99% of Brits struggling with January finances despite Christmas being cancelled
Jeremy Clarkson claims covid-19 caused him to lose all sense of fashion
Not posting snow photos to lead to arrest under new UK law
Trump pardons Mrs Brown’s Boys
Sir Lupus
Sydalg
Fat people “slowing down Earth’s rotation”
Oedipus left traumatised after appearance on Jeremy Kyle
Throngsman
Clap for carers hits second wave
Clap for carers hits second wave
Trevor Rudge
Seafood happy to be rotting in Grangemouth than digested in a European stomach
‘Tiny hands’ Trump welcomed back to myspace
Vertically Challenged Giant
Northerners to be culled to free up hospital beds
“You know what? Do what you f*@king like” says Boris
Wrenfoe
80-90% effective. Fine for vaccines. Not for parachutes.
EU gone but the bloody Normans are still here
Government to outline ‘zero f$cks’ policy
Johnson and Starmer announce much anticipated engagement
Julian Assange put in a mysterious ‘tier 6’ lockdown
Mainstream comedian doubling down on ‘everything is fine’ narrative
Maslow publishes hierarchy of knees
Mum told her cake almost as good as ‘shop bought’ not feeling the compliment
Panic ensues after everyone writes a book under lockdown
Rioters storm US capitol to find someone who can count
Statues to get vaccine ahead of teachers
Woman not buying ‘Grammarly’ no matter how many times its advert pops up
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