April UWOTM Competition Week 3

Well it's been an interesting week - no, I'm not talking about Trump threatening thermonuclear war while steaming in the wrong direction, or even Theresa May springing a no-notice election on us - I'm talking about the ding-dong battle at the top of the leader board between YaBasta and myself.

It may not be that obvious from the weekly tally, but being the guy who updates the results daily I've watched myself and the talented YaBasta swap positions at the top, sometimes daily, on at least one occasion this week twice on the same day.  As you can see, we both share top billing at the end of week 3.  I'm not sure how we will resolve a draw, perhaps I'll have to give that some thought. 

I don't think Chrisf, harrypalmer, Wrenfoe, underconstruction or the handful just bubbling beneath are by any means out of contention yet - they've all got better chances of topping this board than Corbyn has of surviving as leader of the Labour Party past the end of June - so I expect a flurry of activity to keep the editors busy in the final dash.  The month results will hopefully be posted sometime Sunday 30th April, in the evening if I've got enough time, but the good news is that moving it to a school night means I probably won't be (too)  drunk when I push 'post'.

Just to remind all of the prize for the taking, it's the chance to balance a virtual mug on your avatar's noggin for a calendar month.  Not much, agreed, but almost as long as Gareth Snell will serve as Stoke's MP.  Whoever receives the award cannot win the next month, no matter how many FPs, NiBs, tickers, left alerts or hat tips they get.  It's what we did last time around when Wrenfoe was sweeping the board month after month, so at least it provides a chance for everyone else to have a chance every other month if we end up with a writer truly on a roll.  I'm musing proposing a handicap system as well - probably we need to run this for a few months to get some real data we can play with, but perhaps the golfers (if any) amongst us could suggest how it could work?

Anyway, here's the leaderboard at the end of week 3:

Now, the updated list of FPs and NiBs for this month, by author and title, both in alphabetical order.  Apologies if I've missed any or if links don't work.

Adrian Bamforth

‘Grandpa’ Joe Bucket has Incapacity Benefit revoked


Bobby Bigot

Dutch kids to be exposed to danger to teach them about life; scientists disagree


Chrisf

Chesney Hawkes the ‘ideal’ job candidate

Man effortlessly leaves Facebook



Unilateral test of seat recliner fuels tensions in mid-cabin area


Cinquecento
Sean Spicer goes for double or quits


DavidH

New U2 album to be released in flu-jab

Tarantino public information film has body count of 150+



Deceangli

Blu-Tack to replace gravity in poor areas

OFSTED to take over shipping forecast

Welsh seize right to decide on bin collection days


Dick Everyman

Trump, Putin, Assad, and Kim Jong-un to stage international ‘Fuckayou’ contest


Gerontious



GrahamB

Varsity Boat Race disrupted by Pirates


harrypalmer

‘brief’ Mash remake to be made on ship off Korea

Empty chair rules out taking part in TV election debates

Great Repeal Bill hugely complex says lawyer lighting cigar with a £50 note

Gutted voters denied chance to tell Farage where to shove it


Iroquois Pliskin

Howard invades Spain


Ivan Edwards

Man has shock plans to enjoy Easter without getting angry


Naff Laff

Hipster on Hipster violence threatens Brighton Beach

Man believed to have broken the Internet goes into hiding

Theresa ‘not sulking’ about non-invite to Donald’s party


Newsbiscuit Editorial Team

Nation to choose colour of handcart we’re all going to hell in

Oxbridge

Hipster opposed terrorism before it was fashionable to


Ronseal

Croydon gang is ‘not Brexit’ enough


S-Bahn

Woman becomes human chair


StanleyMizaru

Cadbury snub Sky Rabbit


Thatwasbeast

Things ‘literally’ experienced by colleague mainly figurative or exaggeration

 Please…smash…me’ mouths Ronaldo statue.

Throngsman

Arkansas offering cakes to fill empty seats at execution

baby birth weight – who gives a crap?

De-metrication to take 10, sorry – 12, years

EU thanks Farage for his ‘contribution’

Government to offer GCSE in understanding new GCSE grades

Kim Jong-un ‘on the verge of another haircut’

Preparations for Armageddon on hold as world awaits British election result

Supreme Court rules against teacher’s term-time holiday

Lloyd’s downsizes customers


Titus

UKIP proposes merger with Labour


Underconstruction


Husband may trigger process of redecorating spare room in 2019


Own brand Cola not sh$t enough

Sadly Tennis ‘still a thing’



EU negotiating strategy to be based on Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Gerald Ratner to take over at United Airlines

Kendall Jenner could have prevented Holocaust with a Pepsi, historians say

Melania Trump ‘also lied about her age’

Millions ask to be included in Mel B’s restraining order

‘Remainerland’ novel imagines a world where Remain won
Scotland posts profile on SugarDaddies.com
United offers new class of tickets for, you know, them…

































































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