Writer of the Month November 2023
Deskpilot has won this month by a country mile, with 4 Front Pages, a News in Brief and a totally awesome 19 headlines. Simonjjames and Wren have to share second place and new contributor arborio mulling is just a couple of points behind. well done to all od the above, everyone who came after them and also those who pitched but didn't get picked this month - keep submitting those subs.
As usual the list of URLs to the FPs, NiBs and Features are below the leader board followed by the cartoon of the month and the full list of headlines.
apepper
Cleverly: "I meant it as a compliment"
Government clarify not giving a sh*t means that they'll start charging for it
Government urged to issue list of acceptable insults for ministers
Jeremy Hunt to make smoking compulsory
Sunak accidentally re-instates Braverman before sacking her
arborio mulling
Braverman goes on PR camping trip to demonstrate appropriate tent usage
David Cameron desperately looks for nearest toilet, becomes Foreign Secretary
Keir Starmer stars in first conservatives Christmas advert
Matt Hancock found living wild in ‘I’m a Celeb’ Jungle
Posh YouTubers solve cost of living crisis by not shopping at Waitrose
Rishi Sunak announces HS3 with direct link to Rwanda
Beau-Jolly
Parking in hedges to be made illegal in Bridgewater
Benvoleo
Tory Government to introduce law to say Brexit not shit
billclay
Argentina and UK governments both looking for a distraction to boost national pride
Armando Iannucci to make this the last season of The Conservative Party
Bigots boycott Transformers, believing they make people Trans
callumrg21
Opinion: Try Taking THIS Poppy, Taliban
Chrisf
'180 degrees for 20 mins, is it? What a surprise' sneers oven
DavidH
First novelty mascot born in captivity
Microsoft launch Woid for wiseguys
Woman’s medical insurance provides ‘Courtesy Wife’
Deskpilot3
Council admits building cycle lanes purely for profit
Machine learning delivery robot leaves parcels in increasingly odd places
This year’s must have Christmas gift: news-cancelling headphones
Viewers mystified by rail company ads
You are stale old Tories, the young voter said
eppursimuove
Heart-rending Gaza hospital footage actually filmed in Basingstoke
Heathrow to lay off pointless extra security staff
Jurgen Klopp arranging for more players’ family members to be kidnapped
Olivia Colman makes public appeal - can anyone remember where she lives?
“This is not who we are” says Irish PM who’s evidently never been to Ireland
Gerontius
Boris used Henry hoover to suck out Covid virus insists GB News reporter
Hitler testicle sells for £1.7m
Las Vegas circuit also has drive-thru casino and ticket office warns F1 boss
harrypalmer
If we broke financial fair play rules how come we're still shite? ask Everton
Jack the Quipper
james_doc
Boris Johnson Planned To Be Injected With Captain Tom
Nigel Farage Arrives Into I'm A Celeb on Small Boat
Nigel Farage Exempt From Bushtucker Trials and Eviction
jeremynh
'Bring back Braverman!' begs bereft Starmer
Middle class liberals turn out for pro-Philistine march
Sunak said Greek PM promised not to talk about Elgin Rattle
Lockjaw
Yorkshire weatherman demands change to naming convention for storms
Modelmaker
Next culture war to be about women who don’t stand by their men
Rumours of Larry’s death, most likely a dead cat strategy
Raggers
Your November Horoscope, by Toxic Meg
Robowurzel
Tony Blair brings peace to the Middle East
Simonjjames
Boris Johnson and Nigel Farage to merge
Braverman to outlaw homelessness
Guide to the budget measures you may have missed
King's Speech delivered via freestyle rap
Nigel Farage immediately launches "Jungxit" campaign
Suella Braverman challenges Carol Vorderman to cage fight
Teens traumatised after Ouija Board experiment summons demonic Margaret Thatcher
UK Government to introduce JailBNB
Sir Lupus
COVID inquiry disrupted by 'stop cruelty to w@nkers' protest
SteveB
3rd worst prime minister ever asks 2nd worst to shag things up even more
'Fish swam up my penis hole' claims Brazilian
German city wiped from map by Food Standards Authority
'We're sick of explaining basic sh*t to Prime Ministers' sigh class of 7-year-olds
stewartbarclay
Cleverley believes ALL of Stockton is a sh*thole
'Dear Fishy Poo-Crack' - First draft of Suella's resignation letter revealed
Get fired or die tryin’ – the Suella story
Netanyahu claims aid trucks to Gaza are parking antisemitically
Shakira: 'My hips don’t lie. But my tax returns...'
Tories will reintroduce Rotten Boroughs to win election
Sully
Dominic Cummings’ swearbox to become a bank
Laurence Fox ‘could have been King’ if not for racist slurs
Sydalg
Government compromise: "All toy cars" to be electric by 2030
Thatwasbeast
Thursday 'booked in error' says everyone
Throngsman
All male Tory MPs to change name to Spartacus 'to save confusion'
Walking around London 'a lifestyle choice' says government
Wrenfoe
Armistice means Arming & Remembrance means Forgetting
Gaza wishes they'd chosen 'treat'
Home Secretary bans future tense instead of future tents
Labour did not oppose ceasefire, except yes, yes it did
NHS to trial Gaza's no water/electricity model
OpenAI copies someone else's boss
Palestinians 'daft' to build all their hospitals on tunnels
UK Water demands sewage 'from the river to the sea'
You can march, but only one leg
Cartoon of the Month is Great mysteries of the universe, part one by Modelmaker
Headlines
Adrian Bamforth
Disappointment at Space X as rocket fails to explode on
launch pad
Iceland chosen as venue for 2024 Floor is Lava World
Championship
apepper
Cannibal lion swallows his pride
Number of drugs references in headlines shoots up
Arborio Mulling
Rishi Sunak nails his colours to the mast using side of
hammer
Beau-Jolly
Author of delayed herbalist book says it's about thyme
bigbadbob
Authorities confirm Escobar’s Hippos are the Hungry Hungry
variety
Govt to hold Police to account for obeying law
Unpopular player blackballed from snooker club
bobbyjeffo
A dyslexic man walks into a bra
I'm a celeb vows no milkshake related challenges for Farage
Deskpilot3
Brain donor gives doctors a piece of his mind
Britain to send Elgin Marbles to Rwanda
Chippy to test frying in recycled aviation fuel
Civil servants argued that COVID stricken Boris should just
accept his fate
Council defends cycle lane on staircase
Expert chemist knows his anions
Gaza protest: Met police issue list of naughty words
Herbalist gives sage advice
Humza Yousaf's in-laws offered use of SNP motorhome
Jam factory visit was a jarring experience
Jeremy Hunt's economic forecast wins Booker fiction prize
Kier Starmer would support a ceasefire in the Labour Party
Locum dentist was just filling in
Lonely cobbler finds his solemate at last
Man choosing new bed decides to sleep on it
Man who lays concrete is set in his ways
Talkative cosmetic surgeon bends patient's ear
Unprofitable health spa needs to trim the fat
Waiting times at Gaza hospital still better than the NHS
Dick Everyman
Katie Hopkins returns to X!@#
dominic_mcg
Chase contestant who took low offer, beaten up outside TV
studio
Nitrous oxide ban: no laughing matter
People of Stockton hope one day to achieve Sh*thole status
People of Stockton hope one day to achieve Shithole status
granger A fall, not a
dive, says Charlton family
Hokeyloki
Builders of mould-infested flats failed "dew
diligence"
Cash-strapped chiropractor to sell back catalogue
ian searle
Government inquiry "nature's way of dealing with stupid
people", Johnson told
Jack the Quipper
Brand accuses woman of resisting his gorgeousness
Hacker in Somerset found guilty of cider attack
Nadine Dorries claims Moriarty is in control of British
politics
Sunak: money saved from HS2 should be sufficient to fill
pothole
jim Skinz
DIY fetishist says he needs a lick of paint
Geert-cha
McDonald’s launches its new McScurry menu
jobo
Butcher's wife says her husband has been around the block a
few times
Dental Hygienist says she is just scraping a living
Dyslexic fisherman catches OCD
Lockjaw
This is not just an ad withdrawal, this is an M&S ad
withdrawal
MADJEZ
Lennon's family happy to release more of his discarded s**t
if the money is right
mcdabble
Chancellor cuts tax down to the highest levels in 60 years
Concerns that Sunak 'Not shuffling with a full deck'
Open AI staff to be replaced by Open AI
Runcorn supergrass enters Widnes protection
Suella is a braver man than me, says Sunak
The Conservative Party: the party of 'might as well try
something'
UK preparing traditional pretence of surprise at winter
snowfall
Micca
I'm a Celebrity promises even bigger arseholes this year
Mick Turate
Charities announce "Now is the winter of our discount
tents" programme
Midfield Diamond
Toffees in the brown stuff
Modelmaker
Glove puppets call for a show of hands in strike vote
Sunak asks Russell Brand to be Tory candidate for Peter
Bone's constituency
Vacancy for Tory pantomime villain published in Telegraph
jobs page
Paul L
Fiscal drag not as fabulous as it sounds
Unfaithful Morris dancer led spouse on a merry dance
Raggers
‘Trans people can be baptised’, says man in dress, red shoes
& fabulous hat in Vatican
Sunak appoints Harold Macmillan as Environment Secretary
ron cawleyoni
A mad Hairdo's the way forward to win elections!
Argentina election won by 70s Time Traveller.
Rowly
Yellow rain warning as Storm Ciaran floods sewage works
sinnick
Retailers complain that Black Friday Matters
Sir Lupus
Sunak to send refugees to Rwanda by registered post
Sketchly
'AI must not become new world authority' demands Lizard
People's spokesperson
Putin: the only thing worse than being talked about, is not
being talked about
SteveB
David Cameron promises UK referendum on whether Israel is in
or out of Gaza
Electrified toilet was a shock to the cistern
Giant tortoise collides with giant terrapin: turtle disaster
Titus
Countries which do not play golf really struggling to
describe big hailstones
Home Secretary beware! The PM has expressed 'full
confidence'
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