WOTM April 2023

Well, Myke has only gone and done it again, and well deserved too as his Tucker Carlson sub is probably an all time high read sub on this version of NB!SteveB and Wren also gave a good go at the WOTM title.

apepper

Conservatives want people to stop talking about last 13 years

billiclay

Brexit saves Britain from Europe murder train

Government Completely Changes the Meaning of the Word Exciting

Mongers of the world after another thing to monger

Putin looking at moving to a Bungalow

Chipchase

Camelot and Waitrose unveil new ‘prize partnership’

Fears grow for 80s something couple Ada and Stanley "missing" in Hollister

Government named as sponsor for Ant & Dec's new show: "I'm a UK Diplomat... Get Me Out Of Here"

Leicester man makes 7000 mile round-trip to collect Friday night curry

Rev Green set to be freed as new evidence points to shocking miscarriage of justice

Stormzy moves to distance himself from Trump

Chrisf

Man inexplicably carrying round absolutely massive water bottle

NewsBiscuit's Grand National form guide

Sky wins Easter Week TV contract

DanWakling

Jacob Rees-Mogg to sire next generation of workers

DavidH

Mathematicians resolve 5-a-side teams to 11 versus minus 1

When a ‘bad pint’ strikes, remember: B.A.B.Y.

Deskpilot3

Nurses release their Christmas charity single eight months early

Dick Everyman

Suella Braverman does Desert Island Discs

eppursimuove

Foreign Office criticism of Russia upgraded from 'feeble' to 'limp'

Guinness to be renamed “Biden”

Scottish seat of government moved to HMP Edinburgh

gerontius

Police say gang responsible for Brink’s-Mat robbery could be behind Lurpak butter theft

greengrocer

New US intelligence leak leaves national IQ reserves at critical low

World’s biggest ever rocket aims to prove Elon Musk’s ego isn’t visible from space

Hokiloki

USA absolutely not going to Hell - says Hell

"Zadok the Priest" in line for Ivor Novello award

Ian Searle

How Prince Louis' wheelbarrow differs from the one the young King rode in

Jack the Quipper

BBC Parliament part-scripted reality show

Midfield Diamond

Venomous reptile on plane just Suella returning from Rwanda

Modelmaker

Biden makes diplomatic gaffe in Dublin pub

Biden to present Sunak with award

Coronation carriage impounded by VOSA

English polling stations to bring in extra staff

Letter to the editor (not containing a bomb)

Preview of Tory party manifesto

Sign business that saw potential of Brexit floated on stock market

Myke

Armitage Shanks to float on stock exchange

Distressed Howler monkey accuses Ed Sheeran of plagiarism

Drunk Brits force Hercules to return to Khartoum

Failure to register mafia interest was an honest mistake, says PM

Government cracks down on the grumbling industry

Hobbits must defeat orcs to reach Mount Doom. Nazgûls can show bus pass

Prince William’s birthday marked by smiling toilet photo

Scottish Grand National in chaos as police horse makes several arrests

Tucker Carlson announces engagement to 92-year-old tycoon

Myke & SteveB

Coronation cock rings selling like hot cakes

NBP

British waterways pray Theresa Coffey doesn't take to skinny dipping

Newsbiscuit

Coronation coach has electric windows and freakin' lasers

Raggers

He has risen!

Your April Horoscope, by Toxic Meg

Sir Lupus

Tories sack cleaners - ministers forced to launder own money

UK's Sudan evacuations delayed by returnees having to file immigration paperwork

SteveB

Government malpractice leaves pharmacies on brink

Trump changes from amber to green

World's first genetically modified narrowgoat cloned

stewartbarclay

Junior Doctors demand a go in a golden carriage

Snooker's links to Big Oil exposed

South West Trains accidentally runs train on time

UK Government: 'Stupid motorways for stupid people'

Sully

Biden to use Time Dilation effect to slow down ageing process

Civil Service accused of bullying ministers

NHS strikes ‘caused by applause going to their heads’

NHS to switch to ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Penicillin’

‘No trainers’ rule at polling stations                       

Putin ‘quivering’ in fear over Sunak slurs

Sydalg

Learner drivers to be sent to Rwanda until they pass test

Throngsman

Afghan pilot has to go to Rwanda 'because of pixelation'

BMA castigated for not checking Steve Barclay's diary

Conservatives 'totally forgot' they were Conservatives

Essex pub raided for not displaying right wing memorabilia

GB News to attend PMQs

Jesus listed as a missing person as Easter passes

Met to flush out bad cop, badder cops

NASA planning 'completely woke' crew for first moon landing

Orient Express murders outsourced to Europe

Royal coaches waiting up to 40 hours to discharge their royals

US playing catch up with UK as it charges ex leader with criminal charges

Titus

Record collectors desperately seek 12", 78 rpm discs

'Why can't we re-name our planets?' asks Isle of Wight man

Wrenfoe

£8m for King's portrait. Prince Andrew's mugshot? Priceless.

Burglar grateful you left the radio on

CBI all mouth and no trousers

CIA call in plumber to fix their leaks

Ed Sheeran plays for jury, who then sentence him to death

I'm too busy taking a sh$t to care who's in the next cubicle

Joe Biden’s skeleton to run for President

'SNP demand to be put in an independent Scottish prison

Teacher working 12hr day not sure whose time she is wasting

Thoughts & prayers for those that lost their blue tick

Cartoon of the month is 'Your handy NewsBiscuit guide to British Prime Ministers of the 21st century Part 1& 2' by Sketchly

Tickers

Adrian Bamforth            

Mary Quant's life cut short

apepper             

Driverless buses hit by staff shortage

Good news for Trump as New York court gives him "Frequent User Card"

Tourette's sufferer "quite pleased" to lose blue tic

bigbadbob         

US split on Trump witch hunt, anxious to see if he floats or sinks

DanWakling      

Boris Johnson announced as new BBC Chairman

Deskpilot3         

BGT not fixed, says 2024 winner

CBI's Tony Danker set to be immortalised in rhyming slang

Daniel Radcliffe: it's a Muggle

Duchy originals coronation quiche costs sixty quid

Famous dentist honoured with plaque

Future Grand Nationals to have Formula 1-style safety horse

Liz Truss denies renting out Chequers on AirBnB

Meghan's favourite sandwich? Coronation chicken

Need a hotel in Scotland? Try AyrBnB

No delays at Dover for Holly and Phil

Phil and Holly boycott snooker because of the cues

Stilton factory forced to close as there was 'mould everywhere'

Supermarkets ration sales of all kinds of pepper - green, red, toilet...

Texas claims record for world's biggest barbecue

Dick Everyman  

It was all just tongue in cheek says Dalai Lama

Sharp exit

Small boats entering faster than big boats exiting Dover

docholiday        

Aircraft pilot sacked for being as High as a Kite

London man with ransacked flat regrets selling his car for a Monkey.

dominic_mcg    

Coronation to be sponsored by apple juice company, says royal in cider

Crazy pachyderm just a sycophant

Junior doctors demands completely illegible, says government

Miserable Tucker

No, I'm not the Ukraine guy, Varadkar tells Biden

Prince Louis' wheelbarrow photo nothing like his Uncle Andrew's

World Drinking Championship latest: GB wins gold in mixed doubles

ian searle          

Beavers face damming report.

Jack the Quipper            

Fulton County Jail in Alabama's new execution method - death by bed bugs

'Space Junk' satellite removes 50% of Sky channels

jim Skinz            

Deadna

Hands-free motorway driving is nothing new, say Audi owners

Inquiry launched after Channel 5 broadcasts show without Joanna Lumley in it

Just Stop Boyle group launched by X Factor protesters

S Club Heaven

Yorkshire 1980s tribute band launched as T’T’Pau

Lockjaw

Fishy Sunak

Len Goodman: Strictly Done Dancing

New from Fox News: Hush Tucker Challenge

Wizz Air just taking the p!ss

mcdabble          

I knew there was something fishy about Sturgeon, says Salmond

Met Police Had To Google The Word 'Policing' - Watchdog

Tupperware Fate Sealed

Mick Turate

S Club 6

Midfield Diamond          

Pilot asks co-pilot ‘Can you hear a rattle?’

Modelmaker     

Dogs without I.D. will be turned away from polling stations

Myke    

Complaints about helium gas reach a record high

Departing James Corden is ‘choked’ - but not by enough

Junior doctors to strike twice a day after meals

Protester throws herself under King’s horse. Camilla shaken but unhurt

peterg  

Sewage crisis: Starmer lays down motion

ron cawleyoni   

Holly and Phil heading to the front of the dole queue

Starmer says Rishi Sunak believes Dalai Lama shouldn't go to prison.

rowly   

Camilas’crown to have chinstrap and bit

SteveB 

Culture wars blamed on yogurt

Donald Trump indicted on International Carrot Day. Coincidence?

'Don't worry, I've got this swearing to the King thing' confirms Miriam Margolyes

God save the 'king King

Hardest working thing in the Tory Cabinet is Thérèse Coffey's cigar lighter

Man who endured 4 days excreting 9 ft python says he didn't know he had it in him

Neckwear-snipping pranksters cut ties with the CBI

Oil rig vandalised by Just Stop Snooker protesters

Police investigation using board with Post-it notes finding it hard to make anything stick

Sea shanty revival ends abruptly with Thames Water rendition of 'I saw three shi*s go sailing by'

Singing banned at musicals

Tetris movie slots nicely into film collection

Woman with amnesia and déjà vu at the same time thinks she's forgotten this before

Sydalg  

Deviant bank note fetishist has come into money again

Man who lost testicles in sausage machine identifies as transgrinder

Mrs Lot "a pillar of the community" since leaving Sodom and Gomorrah

Titus     

Opposition demands Dominic Raab un-resigns so that Rishi Sunak can sack him