WOTM March 2023
Deskpilot has had a great month with all categories apart from a hat tip. Well done DP. Stewartbarclay gave DP a good run for his money, to be fair. For all the links to the subs, the cartoon of the month and this months tickers AKA headlines scroll down.
apepper
Man who lived off worms and urine employed as consultant by Thérèse Coffey
Poetic Justice "impossible" as nothing rhymes with "justice"
Sunak suspect in death of satire case
Adrian Bamforth
Oompa Loompas respond to old book debate with diss track
Benvoleo
Government shows how unlike Nazis they are by swiftly and ruthlessly silencing dissent
billiclay
UK Gambling Commission punts £19.2m fine on 15:30 at Huntingdon
Chipchase
Who's an ennobled boy then, as Boris honours his dog
Zero hours contracts slammed by The Wombles
Chrisf
I was coming out at the junction anyway’, confirms Audi driver
Manager asking worker to 'hold that thought' in meeting has no intention of revisiting issue
Man bemoans yet another low trade-in car valuation
Man who says he is 'all over' a task is actually not more motivated at all
No, there’s not 'Any other business?', confirms everyone at end of meeting
Regeneration of junior doctors to be rolled out across NHS
TV crime suspect tricked again into saying something other than 'no comment
Deskpilot3
''If we make the UK rubbish enough, maybe they won't come?'
Officials troubled by Liz Truss honours list proposals
Ten signs that spring is nearly here
The worst cup of tea ever – the secrets of my success
dominic_mcg
Manhunt launched after used batteries found in wheelie bin
Man who could “swear for England” fails to make the squad
Trump confuses his life with a Craig David song
eppursimuove
All future IPCC reports to say climate disaster imminent
OAP categories added to Oscars
FlashArry
Lilo enthusiast deported under new 'small boat' law
Hokeyloki
NASA design new spacesuit specially for fatcats
"Owl" and "Pussycat" to be deported
Jack the Quipper
Midfield Diamond
Ivan Toney to use official FA betting partner in future
Modelmaker
Match of the Day to include cage fighting
Myke
Flambéed town hall needs pinch of tarragon, says critic
LibDems in talks with Larry the cat
Monet paints impressionable kids in bad light, says school
Surgeons remove Hancock from Hancock’s butt
Newsbiscuit Editorial Team
Rishi to heat swimming pool from GCHQ servers
Teachers demands now include a helicopter
Raggers
Emergency services on standby as Walsall woman is about to explode
Robowurzel
PM denies Houses of Parliament are ‘institutionally corrupt’
Sarah Tipper
Further privileges granted to nose stud wearing Lewis Hamilton
Sir Lupus
Oakeshott 'baffled' as ghost writing work dries up
We need to talk about social media clichés
Sketchly
SteveB
Being caught by Sting more of a relief than being caught by The Police, sobs Matt Hancock
Coastal water skulking by British shoreline trying to point out illegal Nigel Farages
If Suella Braverman breaks the law in Diego Garcia but no one notices, has a law really been broken?
Impartial Ian Botham brought in to host Match Of The Day
Ouroboros unclear if it's eating its own tail, or sh*tting out a new snake
stewartbarclay
Antiques Roadshow to go ahead without presenters
Charles in Berlin: ‘Willkommen, Bienvenue, Welcome’
Clairvoyant Trump: 'Orange Jumpsuit clashes with my complexion'
Human rights are for nerds say Tories
Look over there! It’s snowing!
PM looking forward to ignoring new Scottish First Minister
Poverty pervert MP caught with hookers and tomatoes
‘Racist, misogynist, homophobic’ - BoJo is ideal Met Police Chief
Tories identify N Ireland on map - claims debunked
Tory Outrage Machine in danger of overheating
Ugh, but when is it International Men’s Day’ asks douchebag
Sully
Braverman: ‘I’m coming for YOU next, Judi Dench’
Cats Protection League and RSPB to meet at dawn
Law to be changed to allow builders to own a calendar
‘Loitering’ in parks to be outlawed
Men to become self aware by 2050
Sydalg
Having more words for snow will prevent global warming, says Trump
ea levels rising because fish are getting fatter,' say scientists
Throngsman
Argentina disagrees to disagree
Canada denies increase in population linked to Trudeau blacking up
Congress votes to arm all schoolchildren by 2025
Government records show migrant crisis started in 1940
Inflation is behind inflation, says Government
Internet to finally get Ceefax
New 16 - 18 options rolled out by the government
Study finds Godwin's Law actually a Nazi invention
Tommy12000
Monkey suspicious of man acting softly softly
Walter Eagle
New reference book: 'Jane's Delayed Fighting Vehicles - an A-to-A Guide'
Wrenfoe
Banks: F**k around meets find out
Cough medicines feared to contain spoon full of sugar
Earth's axis tilts by 2° due to human obesity
Journalist: Worst thing Boris ever did was have a party
Laughing gas ban impacts on BBC comedy
Matterhorn no longer made of chocolate
Pol Pot to host Good Morning Britain
Prince Andrew's cottage will have a trail of breadcrumbs
Starmer bans Corbyn for 'looking funny'
Cartoon of the month is Meanwhile, at the entrance to Matt Hancock's &rse by lockjaw.
Tickers
Adrian Bamforth
Hidden passage in
Great Pyramid thought to be original gift shop
Alun Davies
Shakespeare's
indecision
apepper
Asbestos bible used
for Johnson's oath
Gary Glitter
regrets signing up for 2 years of broadband
Poetic Justice
"impossible" as nothing rhymes with "justice"
Sue Grey asks Boris
to organise her leaving party
ArcMarshall
King Charles visits
France to stock up on duty free tomatoes
Deskpilot3
Government sets new
target - not zero
Harry says losing a
parent is different when you're royal
Incompetent drummer
is bang out of order
Lumberjack starts
root and branch review
Lying liar lies
about lying
Man beating up cows
by a stream is probably a Constable, says art expert
Protesters deploy
Dutch badgers to delay HS2
Protestors throw
works of art at tomatoes
Royal Mail unable
to sort pay offer
Russian invasion -
who's next? They think it's Moldova...
Sacked cushion
maker has nothing to fall back on
Stormy days ahead
for Donald Trump
Therese Coffey
tells backbenchers to stop sending her leaflets for the boiler upgrade scheme
US secret service
to arrest Trump with special tiny handcuffs
Dick Everyman
Gwyneth Paltrow on
a slippery slope
Rwanda offers safe
haven to defeated Tory MPs in 2025
dominic_mcg
Alleged health
benefits of tequila should be taken with a pinch of salt, says doctor
Lineker shown red
card
dumbingdown
Kate Forbes says
her religion forbids rural affairs
granger
Alex Murdaugh to
appeal based on nominative determinism
All the right
policies, just not necessarily in the right order, says Truss
King Knights Queen
at Palace
Yorkshire man
invents new AI programme called Ay Up
Hokeyloki
Young fundraising
hero arrested for loitering within tent
ian searle
Gary Lineker
accidentally falls out of six storey window of Television Centre
Johnson to appear
in 4 hour long episode of "Would I Lie To You?"
Labour to freeze
council tax... Torys to freeze pensioners
Jack the Quipper
Camilla features in
Antiques Roadshow episode ... as a horsehair stuffed chaise longue
Duke of Sussex
turns up at opening of crisp packet
Government steps in
as meltdown threatens to liquidate Credit Suisse chocolate coin reserves
Gregg Wallace
stumped as Princess Anne asks “And what do you do?”
Hong Kong model
suffers from eaten disorder
In this week's
Celebrity Big Brother eviction special...Prince Andrew and Prince Harry!
Paltrow claims to
have become 'unconsciously coupled' with Sanderson on piste
Russian sharp
shooters kill 5 Ukrainian soldiers with 81 missiles
jim Skinz
Boris Johnson
nominates his teddy bear for knighthood
Dick Fosburied
Paul O’Grave-y
The Shamen offer
full support to Hunt’s “Four Es” Budget
Unemployed shrimp
says he’s had no luck putting out feelers
Lockjaw
BBC pulls broadcast
of crown green bowls tournament due to perceived bias
Eeeh. Whatsapp,
Matt?
MADJEZ
Ann Summers shops
display knickers at half mast in tribute to founder Jacqueline Gold
mcdabble
CIA Says All
Conspiracy Theories Are Fake: Fuelled By The LSD They Put In The Water
Commentator who
said Zeitgeist accused of using language used in Germany in the '30s
Govt bonds are a
low-risk way to steadily lose money, say experts
Man advised to
become ski instructor complains it was all downhill from there
Mick Turate
William Hill offers
Gambling Commission double or quits
Modelmaker
Police ask Stormy
Daniels if she still has the baby handcuffs she used on Trump
Rees Mogg: It’s a
disgrace that Britain allows people to retire before they’ve died
Woman who is dating
a footballer thinks he's a keeper
Myke
Daily Mail
campaigns to stop 'woke' rewrite of Razzle magazine
Not Titus
Nothing to see
here, says Putin in Mariupol
rogerg
Students of
Astronomy told to "aim high"
Virgin Obit
Sketchly
Steve Barclay to
appear on "Celebrity" episode of The Repair Shop. With the NHS.
With no honours
left, Boris awards great Aunt a roll of gold wallpaper
SteveB
Dancing doctors
remove spleen to tango music during routine operation
Dick Fosbury clears
his desk
Entire government
politically outmanoeuvred by a footballer. Again
Farmer wins Fields
Medal
Loud bang heard
across England was Matt Hancock dropping another clanger
Pornstar who had
real orgasm while filming admits 'I just got sloppy'
Starmer promises to
cut female victims in half
stewartbarclay
Have you been
cancelled? Have you tried not being racist?
UK Government
phones must TikTok toe the line
Sully
Hancock's Half Hour
valued at £5k
Sydalg
Buddhist community
boasts its membership is 100% recycled
Throngsman
First Toblerone,
now Credit Suisse
Typical - now it's
Keir waiting for Sue Gray to report
Titus
Outraged French
protesters demand that Macron wear a cheaper wristwatch
Previous hoarders
reduced to eating their bog rolls
SF film wins every
award everywhere all at once
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