WOTM June 2022
Probably the closest competition in a long while, with apepper, Wren, me, stewartbarclay, ModelMaker and SteveB all in contention until the last few days, with the honours going to apepper.
Congrats to all who pitched subs and got published.
A.L.Shaw
Britain awakes from Jubilee weekend remembering precisely none of it
apepper
£10 notes 'cheapest source of fuel'
After Brexit referendum and 3 changes of leader latest vote of no confidence "sure" to unite party
Archbishop of York "Not related to the Duke"
Covid denier defiantly has sex with monkeys
Johnson considering fictional ethics advisor
Jubilee beacons "mistake" as 5000 Rohirrim arrive over horizon
Nation stunned: "Johnson has an ethics advisor?"
Officials convince Boris Johnson he's going to Rwanda for "conference"
Palace reassure public, "Queen booed PM from home"
Rees-Mogg: "All UK mobile phones to use same coal scuttle standard by 2024"
Tory party divided about whether Tory party is split
Chipchase
Nation breathes a collective sigh of relief as Colour Trooped without a hitch
Chrisf
Kate Bush invests in a Fitbit to track runs up roads, hills
Mick Lynch to join Marvel Cinematic Universe
Phew, what a scorcher! The lazy tabloid journalist's guide to writing about heatwaves
Six phrases just as annoying as 'Platty Joobs'
DavidH
Johnson in keeps Dorries out, admits intern
Dominic_mcg
Staunch republican forced to take two extra days off work
Filthy Rich
Spike in cot sales as 'compassionate' anti-abortion victors welcome
Gary Stanton
Government advises potential rail suicides to make alternative arrangements
Gerontius
Windrush monument ‘deported to Caribbean for having wrong paperwork’ confirms Patel
Granger
Lockjaw
2150 CE. Archaeologists discover remains of HS2 line
We've not been watching the Jubilee. We can't afford the leccy.
Midfield Diamond
Microbiologist denies naming parasite species after ex-wife
Remote workers vote to strike from home
Modelmaker
Boris decides that one a day is enough
Cost of fuel creates business opportunity for false numberplate dealers
Disappointment for giraffes on World Giraffe Day
Government solves cost of living crisis with photocopied pictures of nutritious food
Government to announce plan to help SUV drivers park their cars
Government proposes to ban barcodes on goods and reintroduce price labels
Jubilee pudding set to become star sandwich filling as unsold stock gets recycled
Large turnout in churches expected as evidence there may be a God after all emerges
Newsbiscuit Editorial Team
Boris 'Would be mad to seek psychological help'
Paul L
Second cost of living payment to be turned into a Squid Game style competition
Robowurzel
A wet owl never flies at night
Sarah Tipper
Modern Thermometers Annoyed That Journalists Still Say They Contain Mercury
Trifle Bowls Horrified At Being Returned To The Back Of The Cupboard
SimonJMr
All Russian homes and streets to get state sponsored patio heaters
Flight Simulator 2022 : UK Flights Edition to launch
New statute celebrating Brexit to be commissioned
Sir Lupus
If Putin were a woman I'd invade her, confesses Boris
StanlyM
Not for the government to ‘do its job’, says Shapp
SteveB
BBC edit out PM being booed so that Nadine Dorries doesn't seem so f*cking useless
'Bloody leftie woke snowflake Royal Family' scream Conservatives
Conservative Party fundraiser at V&A Museum raises enough money to overthrow the Queen
Government to set fire to immigrants as best deterrent to people smugglers who've already been paid
Shy Secretary of State for Incontinence relieves himself from the cabinet
Times newspaper cancels itself
stewartbarclay
Dorries demands Mumsnet gets privatised
Drawing a line under things and moving on
No way to predict passenger numbers say airlines who sold tickets
Queen asks Paddington to form new government
Rainbow reboot to feature senior Tories
They think it’s been legalised... it has now
Tiverton and Honiton the new Luhansk and Donetsk
Wanted: Ethics Advisor, must have GSOH
TheNewsWalrus
Peter Hitchens to read CBeebies Bedtime Story
Throngsman
First immigrants sent to Rwanda 'disappointed' flights are by Ryanair
Jabba the Hutt to sue Keir Starmer
Johnson spin doctors to take control over booing
Man finds a use for SOHCAHTOA at aged 33
Mars Rover now better supported than NHS computer systems
Police detectives to be trained to ask supplementary questions
Rwanda flights to be filled by victims of other crimes
The Only Way is Ethics dropped after season 2
urbanhermit
PM Considering Giving Every Household in the UK one billion pounds
Vertically Challenged Giant
Fireman Sam will not resign despite arson charges
Walter Eagle
Microsoft Clippy returns as Prime Ministerial adviser
NHS surgeon fails to remove malignant tumour from Downing St
UK won't follow EU's plans for common charging cable
wileyp
House of Commons Library to start stocking "top shelf" publications
Wrenfoe
99% of Jubilee will be speculation about the Queen's health
Boss quibbles over maternity leave, but not your abortion
BTS to go solo, but BS still going strong
GPs replaced by Druidic Apothecaries
Infinite number of monkeys fail to secure second book deal
Living rent free in someone’s head is the only rent you can afford
Shock as MPs that hated Boris, still hate Boris
Turkey tells UN it will be now known as ‘Nut Roast’
Cartoons
The Cartoons editor Lockjaw, who again has posted a huge amount of cartoons this last month, has recused himself from being chosen as cartoonist of the month (COTM), but has agreed to cast the vote for the winning cartoon.
The nominations are:
jeremynh
Times is hard all
over
Modelmaker
Civil servants
lament job losses
Jubilee Preparations
From out the mouths
of babes and Lego men
When TVs needed a
shilling to make them work
The best time to go
AWOL
It's just the booze
talking
Boris at Madame
Tussauds poses for his waxwork after confidence vote
Never ceasing to
quack us up
When you don’t feel
as if you're living unless you're killing yourself.
If things could
talk, I'm sure you'd hear, a lot of things to make you cry, my dear
The rule is, jam
tomorrow and jam yesterday - but never jam today
What the papers say
Taking us for mugs
We tried to deliver
a knock knock joke. The punchline is now at the post office
Mood music
The one that got
away
Love from Nadine
XXX
Oh what a thing is
a nose
Something else
showing on Boris buses
All at sea
A week in politics
You win some and
you lose some
Political leader
application forms
Every picture tells
a story
SteveB
Never slag off
Birmingham
Suspicions grow
that 'Girl With a Pearl Nose Ring' might be a fake
What really
happened to the dinosaurs
da Vinci's
masterpiece 'Lady With Ermintrude' might be a forgery
And the winner is...ModelMaker's The best time to go AWOL
Tickers
Adrian Bamforth
Paddington Bear now
part of Bond Cinematic Universe
apepper
Queen overwhelmed
by having to bestow 211 knighthoods
ChrisF
Monkeypox becomes
notifiable disease in England, and a hanging offence in Hartlepool
Deskpilot3
Chinese electric
car death - charges expected
Monkeypox now
called PoxyMcPoxface
Peak bunting
expected within 24 hours
Students rejoice as
Government cuts student loan interest to a mere 7.3%
dick everyman
Inflatables banned
from Rwandan hotel swimming pools
Jacob Rees-Mogg
falls off penny-farthing
dominic_mcg
Athlete we all
thought was a lesbian turns out to be a lesbian
Burning Ford Fiesta
on local wasteland not an official Jubilee Beacon, say police
Football fans
celebrate in an area the size of Wales
Johnson gets to
live in Downing Street forever under new Right To Buy legislation
Phil and Kirstie to
present new Rwanda-based TV show: Relocation, Relocation, Relocation
Republicans
celebrate 70 years since the death of the last king
Russia threatens to
send Adam Sandler to Ukraine
Second hand car
prices double (if they've got half a tank of petrol)
ian searle
No 10 admits
pressuring The Beano to drop Lord Snooty and His Chums
Jim Skinz
Wet Wipe Island is
not a sequel to our reality dating show, ITV stresses
Lockjaw
Prince Andrew to
receive the Order of the Boot for his service to the Royal Family
MADJEZ
Boris lost us seats
vacated by a nonce and a w@nker respectively claim Tories
Prince William
beaten by Romanian gang leader for not selling enough Big Issues
Midfield Diamond
Sacked proofreader
drew line under ‘it’ and moved ‘on’
Modelmaker
400,000 bees stolen
from Scrabble factory
Culture Secretary
plans to make booing a criminal offence
oshaughnessy
Prince George
abdicates after being forced to sit through Craig David and Lloyd Webber
Queen begins
four-minute working week trial
Queen given written
warning due to poor attendance record
Traces of integrity
virus found in Whitehall sewage
Paul L
Osteopath patients
left in awkward position as clinic closes down
rogerg
"Cities of the
East are dead" says mayor of Bridlington
SimonJMr
Grey squirrels
first on the plane to Rwanda confirms Patel
Landfill crisis
expected from tomorrow due to Jubilee tat
Rwandan asylum
seekers eligible to compensation after flights delayed and cancelled
sinnick
Johnson - the
floater that just won't flush
Johnson announces
party to celebrate scraping through vote
Sir Lupus
Social mobility
"shouldn't go too far" says Social Mobility Tsar
SteveB
Perfectly
convenient timing of Jubilee Covid suspiciously saves Royal shame
World supply
shortages caused by Chinese workers shift to bunting production
stewartbarclay
Bono's half brother
revealed to be BoJo
Only 59% of Tory
MPs have confidence in new series of Love Island
Railway Children to
join strike
Sydalg
Asylum-seekers face
fines for taking their children on cross-Channel trips in term-time
Boris warned it
won't be any easier to count his children under imperial system
Nation resigns
itself to prospect of "Long Boris"
Throngsman
Grant Shapps won't
intervene in rail strike. Nor will Michael Green or Sebastian Fox, apparently
Patel deports
Windrush statue to Rwanda
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