March 2021 WOTM competition final

Myke roared to the top again, but thanks to the vagaries of the Wren rule he can't win two months on the trot so - er - Wren wins this month.

Full list of FPs, NiBs and Left Alerts posted below the leader board and tickers listed in the chat room as usual











Adrian Bamforth 

Man on moon latest to be hit by John Lewis redundancies

Al OPecia

Adam and Eve forced to sit god down and explain that he was an accident

antharrison 

Tresemme covid-19 vaccine approved by FDA and 85% of 104 women

apepper 

Bridge will be finished in time to link independent Scotland with united Ireland

Bobski 

Labour plans a Schrodinger’s Brexit policy

Meghan Markle and Queen to settle their differences on Jeremy Kyle show

QAnon conspiracy theory leads to increases in public indecency

UK government lobbies for fly-tipping to become an Olympic sport

Brigg AF 

Facebook user racks up 100 “I’ve had covid jab” posts from friends

Hotel guest demolishes free tea and coffee to “break even” on quarantine stay

One Dictation: Trump forms boy band with Kim Jong-un

Chrisf 

Bring the fun of an AC12 probe into your work

Man desperate to know how the containers on cargo ships don’t fall into the sea

Witchell bot to be used for all Philip health updates, BBC confirms

DavidH 

Adopt Nigel Farage for £3 a month

NHS bracing for first wave of blistered Brits

Remember your face is reversed in a mirror: a handy guide to DIY dentistry

Saturn’s rings onion, confirm NASA

‘When it’s kinder to say nothing’: cards by Priti Patel

Deceangli 

House prices in Barnsley ‘through the roof’ after budget

Dominic_mcg 

Family concerned after dad forgets to do that fortune cookie joke.

Furloughed worker can’t quite remember what his job is

Filthy Rich 

Opinion divided on timing of Sturgeon-Sunak job swap

Shunted Gove celebrates latest ‘negative promotion’

Smart money backs ‘audaciously smoking’ Bristol city centre for Turner Prize

Vaccine revolt as under-50s demand their right to become cyborgs

Gerontius 

Harry delighted at beating the Simpsons in ratings

Morgan to host new CBeebies news channel

Pub goers would be required to wear Union Jack underpantssays PM

Surge in demand for tickets after euro winner discovered to have had first vaccination jab

Lockjaw54

All BBC shows to feature an element of cookery

Horsemen of the Apocalypse overstretched, states spokesman

Max Stars 

BBC launches Attenborough channel

Psychologists shocked by Rorschach test ‘just ink splodges’ claims

Midfield Diamond 

‘Bring a toy to the last day of home-schooling’ greeted with apathy

Toaster designer makes washing machine with ‘no effect whatsoever’ setting

Myke 

Bez agrees to be Vice-Chancellor of University of Manchester

Boris enjoys ‘125,000 dead’ popularity bounce

Carrie Symonds decorates no. 10 toilet with unpublished government contracts

Genuine Banksy found hiding up a prisoner’s butt

‘I wanted to play Hamlet but just couldn’t get the parts,’ says plumber

Off-duty terrorist fined £500

PM shakes hands with rabies patients

Police charge Ikea protestors with an awful assembly

Restrictions on being rude to shop workers to be lifted

Rick Astley started Bristol riot, say police

Sunak offers a free fish with every vaccine

Twitter blocks ‘so excited’ and ‘super-excited’ user accounts

Ugly fat bloke pointing at passport takes UK by storm

UK set to leave Eurovision under WTO terms

nicharper 

Dr Seuss books to be made species-neutral

Harrowing tales of junior investment bankers being “treatedlike nurses”

“No mention of viruses in the bible” – Texas governor

Wales to be sold to Russia to pay covid debt

oshaughnessy 

Entire fake government found in China

Mars Rover finds alien life form but reverses over it, twice

Nurse wins lottery and promises to blow the entire £3.50 at KFC

Raab sends giant bottle of Vicks to Suez canal to ease congestion

UK border force in turmoil after dancing bear found in quarantine hotel

Oxbridge 

Couple who escaped to the country escape back to London

Karma knackered

People who say ‘but I turned out all right’ didn’t

What was that noise outside last night? Top 15 answers from your Facebook community page

Paul L 

New evidence reveals victim of pigeon sh*t chased pigeons as a child

Sir Lupus 

Kate Humble to present Abattoir Live! (and then dead.)

Squudge 

Stuck Suez ship to be renamed ‘Boaty McF*ckface’

StanleyMizaru 

Inevitable second wave of Royal coverage could overwhelm UK, warns Prof Whitty

Suburban Dad 

“Our voice is not being heard”, says thing lobbying group across 140 media sites

SteveB

Dido Harding to replace state education with Sri Lankan kids tutoring online

Man with warm pint of milk seeks woman with stale bowl of Coco Pops

R-rate up, where R is the number of ways the UK government rogers its citizens

Selfish b*stards stockpile all pub table bookings until 2035

TheNewsWalrus 

New crime drama ‘Patel and Dick’ to air on ITV

Throngsman 

Dido Harding to manage NHS pay review

Titus 

Builders of the Earth condemned for failing to clear construction site properly

Titus and SteveB

Bookshop restricts volumes: retailers take a wild punt at in-store requirements

Wrenfoe 

Covid applauds Swiss ban on face coverings

Elijah Wood ‘has not aged since 1995′

Judge rules that ‘personal truth’ not quite the same as actual truth

Man finds Pokémon in bed with his wife

Man wants extra credit for not killing anyone

Met police kettle Mothering Sunday picnic

Nurses to be paid in nuclear warheads

Once again Eton career’s day ends with everyone getting tobe PM

Orgreave re-enactment group set to tour

Sauron started with c*ck-rings

Scientists now fear that the Union Jack may become sentient

Woman trapped in WhatsApp group, tunnels to freedom

Your boss wants you back so he can look down your blouse again

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