February 2021 WOTM Final

Defo Myke's month this time, trouncing the opposition.  Titus and Gero had a good month too, just not good enough to challenge Myke at full throttle



Adrian Bamforth

Watergate hotel franchise unable to keep up with gate-themed scandals

apepper 

Brexit delays import of turd polish

Johnson sets out timetable for U-turns

Trump replaces lawyer with cat

Bonjonelson 

Covid vaccine withdrawn after manufacturers forget to put the autism in

Chipchase 

Boris: ‘reports of snow chaos greatly exaggerated’

Fake covid vaccine ‘not lovely jubbly’ rule magistrates

Chrisf 

All government covid decisions to be based on Matt Damon films, says Hancock

Misuse of the word ‘staycation’ becomes criminal offence

DavidH 

EU vaccine retreat forced by Michael Gove’s hippos

Focus on data, not dates, unless the data clashes with Matt Hancock’s holiday

Footballer ordered to go shopping for following covid restrictions

Government commission statue of Matt Hancock to topple

I’ll wait for the vaccine made from Matt Hancock’s tears’, say Brexiteers

Deceangli 

All working-class housing to be made of paraffin wax by 2030

Boris’s vaccine shame: none of his chums profited

‘Maverick’ Hancock tell-all interview with Mumsnet

Twitter user stayed silent because he had ‘nothing useful to contribute’

Deskpilot3 

Big Pharma warned that silly drug names are affecting public confidence.

Dominic_mcg 

Fans furious after news Captain Sir Tom Moore could be played by a woman

Harry kept his royal lanyard, says Palace spokesman

Young woman forgets to post photos of snow on social media

Editor 

Senate impeachment trial handed over to Jackie Weaver

Elvis Barnet 

Sturgeon: 5-7 year-olds deemed expendable

Filthy Rich 

Excitement as Aung San Suu Kyi relaunches home shopping channel

Fans of □□□□□ ‘□□□□□ and □□□□□’ by announcement of □□□□□

Government takes action on climate change by setting fire to Cumbria

Top lines for avoiding joyless valentine’s lockdown sex

Gerontius 

10 days in UK Travelodge ‘excessive’ says High Court judge

Dodgy satnav blamed for Stonehenge rock blunder

‘House of Games prizes beginning to get a bit too creepy’warns Ofcom

‘Influencer’ who posted photos of herself comatose in bar criticised by NHS

‘Public might be able to think about holidays once we’ve booked ours’ says Hancock

Tabloids desperate for pretty young blondes to start receiving vaccine

We support Princess Latifa and everyone held captive on Alderaan says Rabb

Jack Reed 

‘Festival of Brexit’ replaces Glastonbury

James_doc 

GB news to feature ‘two minute hate’

Imperial college study: summer Godzilla attack ‘likely’

Lockjaw54 

Harry Windsor to be next James Bond

Melania Trump to be broken up for parts

Population of England already asking Boris ‘are we there yet?’

Max Stars 

Imperial Leather product range to be decolonised

Makers of Oral B products insist there are no Oral A products

Study confirms ‘everybody was kung fu fighting’ claim is largely true

Myke 

30 mph space probe sends back stunning images of trafficcones

Channel 4 launches great bin art challenge

Cryogenically frozen customer finally gets through to helpline

Excitement grows as John Lewis prepare to broadcast Christmas advert

Exports of wishful thinking down by 68%, say hauliers 

Festival of stinking toilets to go ahead

Russian vaccine 92% effective when placed in underpants

‘They’re all as bad as each other!’ genius at bus stop slams plan to teach kids politics

UAE probe successfully docks with dissident’s genitals

University ‘free speech champion’ to be angry blacked-up taxi driver

Newsbiscuit Editorial Team

Covid Research Group not really understanding the word ‘research’

Hancock: care home residents get one visitor – the Grim Reaper

Russell Brand finally uses all of the words – just in onesentence

oshaughnessy 

East End virus variant leaves patients with a Cockney accent

Travellers in quarantine hotels forced to attend sales and marketing conferences

Turtles to be charged 10p for plastic bags

WHO announces major virus investigation breakthrough: Wuhan is not in China

Paul L 

Ulrika Jonsson ‘still wouldn’t’ with man who says he definitely ‘still would’

Pleaseleavemybubble

Harry and Megan invite sponsorship for baby names

‘Northern know-alls’ to be last cohort vaccinated

Trouser-press design revolutionised by quarantined Spaniard

Sir Lupus 

‘Coffee on a bench': Derbyshire police remove all benches from county

StanleyMizaru 

New variant of Boris Johnson discovered

SteveB

Emergency services and plasterers count the cost of dad’s making pancakes

Microscope fails to find one morsel of moral fibre in 43 Republican Senators

Steve Blair 

Inquiry into ‘unelected power’ of no 10’s Larry the cat demanded by dog group

thisisalloneword 

7 things we learned from Prince Harry’s Corden interview

Titus 

2nd jab essential, in order to update microchips in 1st jab

Britain to send interplanetary narrowboat to explore Martian canals

Scientists working to develop placebo virus

Vertically Challenged Giant 

Geordie considers putting on thicker t-shirt

Wrenfoe 

Elon Musk no longer world’s richest person’ –but he’s still pretty rich, right?

Hummingbirds admit to not knowing the words

Report claims Extinction Rebellion infiltrated by environmentalists

Snow day under lockdown a bit ‘samey’

UK terrorism threat level lowered to ‘substantial’ – like a pub meal

VR revolutionizes gaming – and by ‘gaming’ we mean p$rn

Wales no longer the size of Wales

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