WOTM September 2020 final
Wren returns to the top spot after a break, conclusively winning back the virtual mug once again. The Big O gave Wren a run for his money, but couldn't bridge the gap. Sterling efforts from Myke (12 tickers included), TheNewsWalrus, Mirthless (14 tickers) and DavidH. As usual, the links to FPs, NiBs and LAs are below the leader board and tickers can be found in the chat room.
A.Mantra
Seven mums who meet up on Monday waiting to discover who is the least popular
apepper
Government to build extension to Kent to make room for the lorries
Property boom as parents rush to move house while children are at school
Whip round organised for “impoverished” Trump
Chipchase
Boris organises “kiss a pangolin” competition to take people’s mind off covid.
Pimlico dissidents threaten serious unrest over new Kent passport plans
Reports that ‘a clue’ has been spotted in Downing Street remain unsubstantiated
Shapps swaps three-point turn for U-turn in revamped driving test
Chrisf
Activities described by man as ‘absolute scenes’ actually only mildly surprising
Hancock to resolve testing crisis with new covid results algorithm
Man washes neighbour’s car after being jokily asked to
DavidH
Britain’s stockpilers prepare for second hard hoard
Covid test gazebo attains listed status
Northerners have R number replaced by butter-spreading analogy
Protection officer praised for not leaving Dominic Raab unattended
Twelve laws to keep the buzz going from breaking international law?
Deceangli
America’s population ‘too small’ to sustain high-quality presidential candidates
Bloke who agreed with Boris in the pub to become minister
Boris scores record low in parliamentary top trumps deck.
Means tests good, covid tests bad, says government report
Positive discrimination introduced for right-wing comedians
‘Some Mothers Do ‘ave ‘em’ criticised for anti-Tory bias
Widespread use of ‘do not resuscitate’ notices welcomed by the Shipman Society
Filthy Rich
A&E admissions plummet following removal of the number ‘1’ from phone keypads
Ann Widdecombe’s house opened to the public as terrible warning from the present
Authorities find sale of organs by desperate migrants hard to stomach
Diary extracts confirm Navalny poisoning suspects simply tea-loving tourists
“I said races, not racist”: fears Lewis Hamilton replaced by ‘compliant’ AI
Man living in doghouse declares life ‘never better’
Matt ‘Gollum’ Hancock bans Hobbits from besmirching his precious testses
‘Swallow the swab’ and other university covid tests disguised as drinking games
‘Think’ Tank’s bold bid to create new jobs by donating hours from existing jobs
Tories furious that Sasha Swire revelations don’t capture the half of it.
Uproar as King Boris reneges on Magna Carta
Welcome to your chaperoned future
FlashArry
Government to introduce new quarantine randomiser
Gerontius
Attenborough and Royals team up for new BBC series ‘Different Planet’
James Pluside
Boris reminds us to quarantine upon return to UK from nearest covid test centre
Milo Shame
Covid infected kids can’t smell substitute teacher’s fear
Mirthless Evil C
BBC reboot how to look good naked with Ann Widdecombe: licence fee payers revolt
Myke
PM denies blessing pilgrims from Vatican balcony.
Privatised rescue service will offer special deals to drowning customers
Social gatherings restricted to one butt cheek or one elbow
Newsbiscuit Editorial Team
White House denies requesting Jedi weapons to dispel peaceful protest in June
oshaughnessy
BBC thought police order all staff to stop thinking nasty things about Boris
Ebahgumshire residents incensed at plans for rectal virus swabs every 5 minutes
Madonna sues Leicester garment workers for constantly playing ‘Material Girl’
National Portrait Gallery turns all paintings to face the wall to combat virus
Stop thinking nasty things about Boris, BBC staff told
Trump selects Stormy Daniels to replace that hideous Ginsburg woman
Squudge
Mrs Johnson’s Boys to be BBC new comedy for 2020
SteveB
New game show coming in your face called ‘how brazenly can we get away with shit?’
workers saving £££s working from home tell Boris to stick it up his ar$e
Plate is full, say sausages, as breakfastxit tensions explode
Suburban Dad
God tries again with ‘hurricane fuck off Donald’
TheNewsWalrus
British public to blame for ‘just about everything’
Man baffled after failing to mend laptop by shouting at it
Mark Francois launches ‘Short Lives Matter’ campaign
‘Moths are idiots’ scientists confirm
Premier League to become giant game of table football
Second wave of press conferences to hit the UK
Trump reworks the Ten Commandments
Throngsman
Blackpool covid spike clearly due to local people not being careful at home
Churchill looked at not complying with legal treaty ‘in a specific manner’.
Covid restrictions to form backbone of next year’s A level maths paper
Fears for Westminster at one minute past ten at night
Government looking for alternative to ‘me too’ sat nav system
Public health comedy double act runs into early dilemma.
Titus
Trump dismisses Biden as ‘a loser’ for paying income tax
Vertically Challenged Giant
NATO allies agree to tut and shake heads at Russia
Pasta and toilet roll salesman orders second Ferrari
Plane crashing into the ground ‘would still be a good outcome’, insists Boris
The Apprentice 2020 cancelled due to shortage of massive bellends
Walter Eagle
Baroness Harding tells committee, “no one could have predicted that sunrise.”
Man unilaterally tears up agreement with HMRC
Wrenfoe
Aids just a hoax to make you wear condoms
Boris to split up with his new girlfriend before they even start dating
Groups of thirty illegal, unless you work in a school, casino or swinger’s party
Illegal raves are fine, provided you are carrying a grouse
Matt Hancock to promote Track & Trace through Friends Reunited
Patriotism is totally different than nationalism…but only the spelling
Post-coital cuddle goes on 30 seconds too long
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