WOTM May 2023

Sully has stormed ahead this month, followed cautiously by SteveB and modelmaker.  New writer cara has come in at a credible fifth place.  As usual, links to all the FPs, NiBs and Features (AKA Left Alerts) below the leaderboard, followed by the cartoon of the month, then the ticker list, which contains Deskpilot's awesome 20 tickers amongst many others

apepper

Government celebrate as travel delays not caused by Brexit

Public consider letting Penny Mordaunt continue as sole Conservative MP

Benvoleo

YouTuber accused of intentionally crashing plane headhunted for senior Government role

billiclay

Government creates new fear: Nano Boats

Monopoly introduces Get out of Speeding Penalty Card

TransPennine Express defend fluid timetables and non-binary concepts about arrival

Cara

Area man unveils covert method of ogling female co-workers

Boys' Exposure to Romance Movies Starts at an Alarming Young Age, Reveals Study

JK Rowling axes Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw from new adaptation; claims "two houses are plenty"

Man, 28, takes psychedelics, discovers empathy

Senior analyst humiliated after being coerced into TikTok video

Ugly Missing Children to feature on Soya Milk Cartons

Chipchase

Good vet gets plate of lamb cutlets back on its feet

Chrisf

Neighbour mowing bloody lawn again

Pasty bought in train station still too hot to eat, confirms man

Tax-avoiding entrepreneurs boasted that 'next year we'll be millionaires'

DanWakling

Sky News gives impartial view on Sharp resignation from BBC

DavidH

Funding approved for museum museum

eppursimuove

Heavyweight boxer self-identifies as lightweight

Olivia Colman apologises for being in everything

Filthy Rich

Eager anticipation for Tory-Ladybird Books collaboration

Fears entire Conservative front bench suffering from lockjaw

Finn

Ukraine invasion latest: no end to people smugly tagging everything #SlavaUkraini in sight

Gerontius

Elderly man arrested for carrying bladed weapon during Coronation

greengrocer

Son of former BBC exec discovers rare unseen episodes of Jim’ll Touch It

herculepoisson

A prayer for King Charles III on his Coronation

McDabble

Leading Car Makers Don't Want To Make Cars, Just Money

Modelmaker

ChatGPT refuses to write Tory manifesto

Conspiracy theorists warn Brexit may force it to close UK operation

Goon Show recordings to be used to train an ever-growing elderly workforce

Government department urges more Royal deaths

Fire service to charge Tory party for putting out its fires

ID will be required to purchase king size items after coronation

Labour plan to use King's ransom to fund vital infrastructure improvements

Vicars to to ditch dog collars and wear harnesses instead

Myke

Drone insists it went to Moscow to admire the architecture

Godfather of AI attacked by coffee machine

Hanover, Orange, and Saxe-Gotha to sue for breach of copyright

Piers Morgan denies knowing bees make honey

Raggers

Government introduces new P.O.O.R. tax.

Your (most of) May Horoscope, by Toxic Meg

Sarah Tipper

People who aren't interested in the coronation talking about it an awful lot

showerthoughts

King Charles III declares Absolute Monarchy at garden centre opening

Liz Truss demolishes former Leeds school to lay foundation for an Anti-Woke Theme Park

Sir Lupus

Misery should be "default" says minister

RMT to "cynically" boost Eurovision viewing figures

SteveB

Boris Johnson defies the physics of laws as his own defence team find him guilty

Countdown clock to Kate Middleton's 50th birthday denied by tabloid newspapers

Europeans 'super excited' about Scouservision Song Contest

Lee Anderson broke 30p spending limit, refused to attend spending awareness course

Toilet on the Titanic was 'unstinkable'

Tories deliver completed promise of 40 new hospitals... waiting lists

Tories now 'focusing on coronation' as there is much gushing and flag hugging to get done

Zelenskyy on mercy mission to Britain: 'Ukraine will help in any way we can'

stewartbarclay

'Hang 'em high' - Charles gets tough on pledge refuseniks

Johnson spawns again, Attenborough makes new series

Labour, Lib Dem & SNP voters face arrest

More mass shootings essential say US Republicans

Much harder to have affairs from home, complain lecherous CEOs

Three Kings photo: 'Know your place, peasants'

Sully

6th Form boys flock to Rishi’s Fashion Collection

Braverman confuses ‘will of the people’ with ‘last will & testament’

ChatGPT selected as Dominic Raab’s replacement

Colonic irrigation? Try the carwash

Conservative councillors forced to ‘come out of the closet’ at council election

Conservative MPs sue Party for PTSD after Question Time appearances

Conservative MP to be executed for forgetting to say ‘delivering’

Conservatives to use ‘sexy cosplay’ to woo voters

Dog-walker despondent about ever finding corpse

Jesus might have used pasta to feed the 5,000, say experts

Kingfishers to be culled for ‘showing off’

Superdrug ‘surprised’ to find they’ve been selling hospitals

Sydalg

Human evolution to go into reverse in 2025, say experts

Throngsman

Man found guilty of not understanding jewellery

Starmer amends 'not Corbyn' to 'not Corbyn or Johnson

Writers Guild of America strikers accused of crossing their own picket line

WWF place Conservative MPs on endangered species list

Wrenfoe

50% of all Mumsnet accounts are JK Rowling

Deposit-free mortgages to be replaced by house-free mortgages

Man steals beach by hiding it in his ear

Peace? Nah. Ukraine needs depleted uranium

Search begins to find someone worse than Trump

Spelling error sees Charles drowned

UK resumes animal testing having run out of voters to torture

Cartoon of the month is:  Amid rumours of Holly & Phil feud, Schofield’s former sidekick speaks out - by Raggers

Ticker list

apepper             

Alarm as Prince William crosses his fingers during pledge of allegance

Cabinet Secretary confirms he has experience in picking vegetables

bigbadbob         

Heston Blumenthal produces purrfect pudding for feline fanciers, a Catameringue

Martin Amiss

Deskpilot3         

Addict has pusher on speed dial

Bank Holidays to be online only from 2025

Delegates keen to see how origami conference will unfold

Fruit picker finds plum job

Government decides against capping the price of a Knighthood

Ironmonger on CB radio has an interesting handle

Knife sharpener builds himself a whet room

Liverpool slowly getting back to 'normal'

Moscow victory parade features milk floats due to shortage of tanks

Pantomime villain prescribed antihisstamines

Parking charges introduced on the M5

Police arrest man with electric trousers over data breeches

Prince Harry to buy security services from Wagner group

Renault to rename the Megane due to negative associations

Russians review tactics as it's now taking 54 missiles to kill each Ukrainian

Scotland lends pet rock to England for the coronation

Search continues for anyone who wasn't at Chequers during lockdown

Sinclair computer user turns out to be on the spectrum

Steel workers to strike while the iron is hot

The White Hart pub in Grays closes after being black listed

Dick Everyman  

Didgeridead

Home Secretary veers from Wacky Races back to Wacky Racist

dominic_mcg    

Give up vaping by taking up smoking, says Government

funnybowen      

TransPennine Express identifies as public service

granger

Erdagon, and on and on...

Hokeyloki          

UK fishermen blame poor catches on "net migration"

ian searle          

TV Host leaves to spend less time with his family

Jack the Quipper            

Price of milk in supermarkets to be capped at number politicians can remember

UK sending long range missiles to Ukraine - "So are we" says Putin

jim Skinz            

Family of animal abuser say he died peacefully in his sheep

Shoe fetishist admits he got off on the wrong foot

Simply the rest

Lockjaw

Taxi for Mr Sunak!

Water company CEO: Improvements to sewerage infrastructure underway, I sh!t you not!"

MADJEZ             

New series of BBC's Who Do You Think You Are to be hosted by speaker Sir Lindsay Hoyle

Trump: You'll be telling me pussy-grabbing's illegal next

mcdabble          

Eurovision - The End Is In Sight !!!

micca   

Met Police arrest thousands of cyclists for possession of lock on devices

Mick Turate       

Suella Braverman ordered to attend Compassion Awareness course

Modelmaker     

Cardigan Bay hailed as closest knit Welsh community

Government gives double-digit response to nursing union double-digit pay claim

Kind nation will allow orphan to become King

NHS faces existential crisis at news Charlie Fairhead is leaving Casualty

Search for Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra triangle player continues

Shoe fetishist admits he got off on the wrong foot

robowurzel       

NHS collapses after mass nurse exodus for better paid fruit picking jobs

ron cawleyoni   

Sweden celebrate Eurovision success with Quiche Loreen

Tina Deep Admiration High

Top Gear keen to talk to Suella Braverman

sinnick 

Old man strips down to his trollies in big church

Sir Lupus           

Govt defends ordeal by fire section of SATS

SteveB 

'Actually, your body temperature is 36.613921 °C' says anal thermometer

Big Ben/Queen Elizabeth Tower to have gender reveal party

Channel 4 considers innovative game show where contestants keep their clothes on

Downing Street car crash not a metaphor

Fondling a lettuce is not sexy cos-play

God smites coronation with thunderbolts and lightning

Home Office advice upgraded to 'steer clear of Suella Braverman'

Prison officer doing a bang up job

stewartbarclay  

Suella Braverman to face ethics investigation for sharing Netflix password

Throngsman      

If you could read my mind, love - I guess you'd be dead too

Titus     

Britain to build thousands of new homes - in Calais

Lobsters in Just Stop Boil protest

Local authority to fill potholes with raw sewage instead of dumping it in sea

Manufacturer of uneven paving slabs gets top rating on Trip Advisor

Thousands of music lovers flee Liverpool

Ukrainians appreciate morale-boosting broadcasts from Zelen-Skyy TV